Ich liebe es

Its been sometime since i penned down something. To be honest i was just not in a state of mind to pen things down. Sometimes on the top of the world elated and most times just feeling under the weather. As part of a work assignment i have shifted to the Europe's strongest economy Germany. I have been in germany for almost 1 year now and there have been good and bad days.

The first 5 months were not very good if it comes to my gay life.  I was dating someone back in india but things became difficult after my move and eventually it ended. German guys did not seem to be interested in average Indian guy. I was not expecting much footfalls on my profile since it did not attract much traction in India either but one do likes to dream ! I am someone who enjoys softer things in intimacy and without an emotional connection i just cannot share a bed with someone. Or at least i used to think so ! As result of these self imposed guidelines my dating life has not been exciting. I got to meet 2 guys during the first 5 months and it did not develop beyond a casual meet. I was fortunate enough to make an indian friend in a land a bit far but still it gave something to look forward to. Through him i met a German-Dutch gay couple who have been together for almost 25 years and it really made me elated to have such an acquaintance and it just reinforced my believe in gay relationships. Finding that special someone who you would spend your life with has always been one of my dreams. I think even more than having a career which has not done good for my career prospects of course.  Unfortunately finding someone like that in India has been just a wild goose chase. I had thought maybe it would be a different story in Germany but things never work out the way you want them to.

At the beginning of this year i moved to a smaller city in germany and my expectations were quiet low but i have been pleasantly surprised. I got to me meet some very good human beings who have helped me grow from strength to strength. I used to be a very prude person , i remember not even able to say cock or dick when talking with someone, i just found it beneath my dignity (i know i was that prude :P ) but meeting people here had made me more open up. I shared such good memories with them without having the feeling to be clingy to each other and forcing restrictions on each other, it  has been quiet a revelation. I never thought i could share such intimate feelings without having the tag "boyfriend" associated with it but i am glad i could which has given me the gift of having to know some very inspiring people. I still believe in commitment , fidelity and partner for life but i am more relaxed when meeting men and not constantly thinking where will things lead to. Although sometimes things to get to me but i try to remember the good times i have had and be thankful for them. So Ich liebe es (I am loving it) for now.

A a big thank you to friends in Offenbach, Vienna , Darmstadt, Frankfurt, whom i have met and have made open up from my cacoon.

How has your journey been so far for in finding that special someone i would like to know your stories. Feel free the comment section to share your stories if you would like to.

What would you do ?

Its been sometime since i have posted something here, mostly the reason in laziness and a whole lot of emotions i have been going through lately. I am currently living in a European city for couple of months and things have been very different and interesting. I will post about my experiences in a later post though. This post is about a US tv show i came across on YouTube. Its called "What Would You Do ?"

The show basically creates an uncomfortable situation in a restaurant or a public space and observes how the people around react to it. Some episodes are related to attitude towards gay people. One of the episode which really touched my heart i would like to share with everyone. 

I cannot imagine people standing up for gay people in india but attitudes in Europe and America are obviously different. Being in the European city, I  myself  have taken some liberties of my own, kissing a guy on a bus stop or holding hands in a restaurant and i was very comfortable doing that without being stared at or at least i didn't even take care to notice if anyone was staring since i was just enjoying this freedom :). So my question to you reading this would be. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ? if you encounter a similar scenario. Use the comment section if you would like to share your thoughts or just think about it.

My personal thoughts, a couple of months back i would have probably kept mum and would not have interfered but now i think i am stronger i would for sure stand up for someone undergoing such heat.

Bad Streak

First of all , a very Happy and prosperous New Year to everyone out there !

The year went by was something of a roller coaster ride for me. I went from being at the pinnacle of happiness to the depths of mourning, from being single to committed and then miserable after the breakup. I also grew stronger, discovered traits in my character previously unknown. Got myself in an accident twice and survived without any scratches.  As the year came to an end i had mixed felling but then on the penultimate and on new year's eve a bad streak of luck just made me thankful that the year is finally bidding farewell.

1 day to New Year
Got off early from work and boarded a bus for a 5 hour long ride back to hometown for new years. Boy it was crowded and just when hoping some hunk will sit next to me a girl , a pretty as well came and sat next to me. Men around were checking her out for sure. I on the other hand had no interest so just went to sleep. I woke up with a sudden forward thrust only to realize the bus was putting on its breaks and then a loud thud from the front of the bus. We were involved in a accident with another public transport. Luckily i was not hurt unfortunately i cant say the same for the rest of the population on the bus. There was blood all around with people bleeding from their noses because of the sudden impact. The girl next to me was in pain as well, as i tried to clam her down my mind went to thinking what next ? How to get out of here, the bus was in no condition to transport anymore. We got down from the wheels of misfortune and looked for our alternatives after the ambulance and authorities arrived. The girl (being a girl) got a lift from a couple going in a car while others tried boarding the next bus which was passing by the highway in middle of nowhere. It was too crowded for me to make an attempt with bags in my hand. I tried my hand at getting a lift but all in vain. Then after 1 hour of waiting on the road in middle of nowhere i told myself to get into the next bus no matter what and i did finally reached home after a journey longer than what i had expected, thanking the god almighty that once again i survived a crash without getting hurt.

New Year's Eve
Finally at home still trying to get over the exhausting previous day of misfortune i got myself ready for a date with a guy i was in touch for sometime now. I met the guy , he seemed decent, well dressed and not bad in the looks department as well. We started chatting. Sat down to have a snack at an eatery in one of busy markets of the city. After getting to know each other it was time to say goodbye so i got up went to restroom leaving my jacket at the table. When i came back the guy had vanished with my jacket. First i thought maybe he stepped out so i tried calling his number but it went to voice mail. Then it hit me i had been mugged. I know i should be thankful it was just the jacket but still i am still confused why the guy put in effort of keeping in touch via text and calls just to meet and flee with a jacket. May be was just a kleptomaniac !

So that's how i ended my new year avoiding major disasters and getting robbed. I just hope the new year brings some good luck with it for me.

Happy Freaking New Year !

Be a man !

"Oooo SHIT !!" ...
Boom..
Crash...
Screech...

The sounds are still buzzing in my ears. Had my first car accident yesterday last night. Thanks to someone up there who still loves me no one got hurt. Well except for my poor car ofcourse. Although i am a careful driver but i must confess i have been pushing the limits of speed on the road.Yesterday however was not all my fault or at least i believe so. It was late night, me and a friend of mine were returning from attending a wedding. We were cruising at the speed of 70 Km/hr, a truck was coming on our side in the wrong direction and the lights were blinding my sight. I avoided the truck and and saw a turn up ahead in the road. There were no street lights as well were on the out skirts of the city. As i was following the turn in the road i realized that the curve's radius is not as small as i expected and the left side rammed the footpath. The car for a second flew in the air and landed heavily on the left side although on four tyres (thank god it did not tip over).

As i stepped out and inspected the damage i realised that on of the tyre is bust. I thought well its alright we can change the tyre there is an extra in the trunk. But neither of us me or my friend had ever changed a tyre except probably watch someone do it. I know i am not a manly guy and although changing a tyre might not be a very masculine job but having never done it before i was very clumsy and could not even loose the bolts of tyre. My friend (a straight guy of course) stepped in and passed the comment "dude put some power in it". "Go ahead my gym freak" i retorted with a smirk on my face. Well thank god again he was there because i myself could not have done changing the Tyre, i mean lets be serious i can become a total female when it comes to cars (except for driving maybe) although we changed the Tyre but car was having trouble driving. The car steering had developed a slant to left and was going to left all the time and the shock absorbers had probaby broken because every bump on road was being very hard on the a** and not in a way i would prefer.

All the way i was tensed about how i would tell my dad and me and my friend were discussing that how i am gonna be grilled at home.In the midst of which i finally asked if anything had happened to him ? If he got hurt or anything.Thankfully the answer was no. I was lucky not to that much heat back at home. My dad was just happy that no one got hurt. I was not able to drop my friend till his home and he boarded a auto from half way. I messaged him to let me know whenever he reaches his place. He did message me and wished me good night. I replied him back that its gonna be a horror night for me :( , for which came the reply 'Already feeling sorry. You gotta take it like a man. At least nothing happened to us'. I don't know why but the statement 'take it like a man' just got stuck with me. Its been upsetting me the whole day probably because that is something i have been trying my whole life.

I have always been the more sentimental, feeling timid, not getting into fights kinda boy. I may never have the masculinity that world expects from me. And to get it from my friend (whom i had a crush on for a while now ) just triggered a memory of college when L used to say the same thing. 'Be a man' ! I had thought i had come to terms with who i am but surprise surprise I'm still not at that place. Boy when will i ??

Shallow Hal

I always thought that i am not shallow person. I try not to judge people and accept people the way they are. Recently an incident happened which bought out a shallow side of my personality for which i feel embarrassed , shamed and surprised. It reminded me of Jack Black in Shallow Hal before he was hypnotised that is.

I came across a profile on one of the gay dating sites and we started chatting. To be frank i was not much interested as the person was looking for hookups and myself being not that indulgent in acts of passion usually avoid mingling with such profiles but somehow the guy came across a decent person and he asked me to meet up. I was getting bored doing nothing at my room so i thought why not but just as a precautionary measure i asked to exchange pictures. He did show his pics and told me these are pictures from past and he is a bit different now. The pictures were of a below average looking guy but looks never mattered much to me so i was perfectly OK with meeting up. I asked him to meet at some coffee place but the guy was adamant that i come to his place. I told him outright that since we were not gonna be doing 'it' then why meet at his place ? His side of argument was as he does not have a vehicle to travel and it would be difficult for him to come out at this time as it was almost dark.

I offered him to pick him up and he agreed and gave direction to his place. I felt a bit awkward because i hardly meet anyone just hours after chatting for the first time. As i got to his place something was not feeling right. When i saw the sight before me i was a bit taken back. The guy looked nothing like his picture , he looked older, with almost no hair on his head and the shocker of shockers he was handicapped or being politically correct physically challenged. He was not on a wheel chair or anything but he has some problem with his legs and he limped. I suddenly felt so uncomfortable. I tend to become very inside my shell if i feel uncomfortable. The guy was trying to make conversation but i just could not get over the fact that he had missed to mention his condition while we were chatting.

I used to follow a series called 'Monk' where the protagonist had a number of phobias and manias and of which one was that he liked everything symmetrical. I remember in one episode where he comes across a man who just had one arm and Mr Monk just freaked out as the body was unsymmetrical. I was feeling the same, although the person before me had all his body parts intact but his physical inability just gave me a strange bubbling at the pit of my stomach. At first i felt that he should have told me about his condition before we met. Then i thought i actually never asked (because i had not imagined this can be a possibility). The guy was trying to keep the conversation going but i found myself lost in my own thoughts. Being gay itself is hard and that too with this inability might be even more difficult, while i was thinking this the guy asked me shall we go out ? I refused because i did not feel comfortable.

We chatted for some time he told me about his family and his work, he even told me about the guys he usually meets up for sex, his first sexual encounter with his brother - in - law, he even asked me about my body stats for which i just replied 'sorry i don't like to discuss such things'.

One question he put up really bugged me. "So when did you come into this line ?",
 confused by the question i responded with another question "You mean dating guys ? ",
"Sleeping with guys , turned gay, like after my encounter with my brother in law i started enjoying sleeping with men"
"I did not turn into a gay just one fine day or after any encounter, I was born gay, i knew from the very beginning that i like men although the term homosexuality and gay i came across in my teens." i tried to clarify his thoughts.

He never mentioned anything about his physical disability neither could i gather up the courage to ask him. Although the person was a jovial person but even after half an hour i was still feeling very much out of place and decided to say good bye to him.'When can we meet next ?' he asked ,'probably next weekend' i replied although not sure how much of that statement will hold true.



This incident made me realise that may be i am a shallow person at some level. There are somethings which i can get judgemental about.

Please Don't stop the music !

Those are the very words i wanted to tell the DJ last nite. After wining about my life in my last post i decided it high time i crossed of something from my long list of dreams. So finally went to a gay party pub yesterday night and danced my behind off :). It was an amazing experience . Got to saw so many good looking guys, guys making out on the floor , everyone just shedding their inhibition and being themselves. I also let myself loose and for the first time i got to be myself as well where i didn't have to think of anything.I must admit i was very nervous and scared at first because i haven't been to any pubs and the first time is always scary. The excitement however was so overwhelming that i kinda forgot about my fears.

Although i had thought i might get approached by someone, its an another story that i would not have gone through with it because i already have someone in my life but anyways it would have been so exiting but i guess that was stretcthing my luck to far, so although no one hit on me i was so engrossed in dance i did not care. It was like being in Babylon from QAF although not as fabulous as it but this was closest i could get to to my dream.

Finally i can cross one thing from my list grooving to the 'thumpa-thumpa' :)

Work place and Gay Friends

Is it really difficult to have gay friends at work ? I actually don't have any problems with meeting guys from my work but it seems the idea doesn't go well with most guys. Apprehension might be there because of the possibility of the other outing you in front of anyone .I  myself being closeted understand that perfectly well but if we can maintain confidentiality then i see no harm in it.

Recently it happened that i came across two guys on the gay net sphere who actually felt very uncomfortable meeting me after finding out that we work in the same company. Although both of them know who i am because i usually give my real name in chats and after knowing an employees name its easy to find anyone on our intranet, but i was not able to locate either of them. Although i feel a friend within or outside my office makes no difference to me but obviously to them it does. One of the guys has now disappared from my chats as well may be he found it too wierd. Anyways hoping that i do run into those guys some time, till them any hunk in my office is one of them for me ;)

Is there More To Life than a relationship ?

Realizing i'm  gay and taking a decision of not getting married to a girl just to go with the social norms was something i had taken long way back when i was entering my high school life. I might have been naive at the time but i had made my mind to stick to the decision made. Since then my aim in life was to stand on my own feet and have a way of life which would empower me to have my way with life and not get burdened by family, relations, society may be thats why i don't have many close friends or good relations with my extended family. 

Later at some point in my life the need for a companion became so strong and it took over my life for better or for worse. My thought process turned to  'what is the use of having a life which might be successful when if you don't have someone to share it with' . So everything in my life took a back seat and finding the guy became my priority. In the pursuit i lost many things including my aim of having myself empowered so that i could do things as i please, i just wanted a companionship. Even with many futile attempts of having a relationship i kept my hopes up all during college life and when entering the professional life. The search had been in full gear for the past few months. 

Last week i had a chat with a friend and he made me realize that having a relationship is not whats life is all about specially in the gay world where commitment and fidelity are very hard to find, and i may be wasting my life not thinking about other things in my life. I should try to enjoy the finer things in life. At this point i am still not sure how will i be able to enjoy my life without having someone to share it with. I might need a whole  paradigm shift in my thinking. Hoping some guy someday will come into my life, i am now turning  my search down a notch . As of now i am trying to regain my habit of reading which i had lost in all the commotion of my 'search' , beginning  with Jeffrey Archer. Wish me luck.