Why Can't i have a straight guy as a 'Good Friend' ?

Why is it that i cant have a straight guy with whom i can have a good friendship ? A question which i have pondered about a lot , at times i think its because i am not that outspoken, or because of my rigid list of dos and donts but  most of the times i end up blaming everything on my sexual orientation !

For most closeted gays who have mastered the art of acting straight it isnt that difficult to gel up with 'normal' guys and as beyonce says '.. drink bear with the guys and chase after girls..' but for me pretending never came easy. Hence i just didn't participate in the 'chick watchout' , 'drunk dumbos' ,'road rage' or 'sporty evenings' programs, all through my adolescent life, when most guys were busy drooling over some girl, watch porn, talk about bikes, play cricket or get drunk i  preferred to be left alone and surrounded by my studies, may be thats why i was good with studies since i didn't have any other distractions. Once in a while some hetro guy would get close to being a friend but then my heart would fall for him and totally ruin the friendship (happened at least 2- 3 times). All in all things never worked out for me i was sad at times , at times happy that at least i am doing what i am supposed to be doing in college studying but now looking back i think i did miss out on many things by not having a straight friend circle , by not getting drunk , by missing out on adrenalin bike rides ahh the decisions which one regrets!

This attitude still ripples though my life even now i cant mingle with the straight crowd and remain in my own zone. May be people perceive me as arrogant. Whatever it may be i might not have good straight friends and gay ones (who want friendship in its right sense) are hard to find. I am grateful that i do have some gay friends  but i hope they know how indebted i am to them for their love and support or else i would have been totally screwed ! (I know my life does sound pathetic but heh i'll survive :) )

Apple Of My Eye

This is a series of posts where i would like you to know about any particular hunk or some cute guy from the public domain who just make me, as britney puts it ' CRAZY ... ' :D . Also find what i rate him on my special meter called  the 'Apple Meter'.  






 













Well the guy who caught my attention from a film poster of a tamil movie is Shiv Pandit. As I found out he is a dilliwala (i.e. a delhi guy for those who are not famliar with that vernacular) who had many stints in the entertainment industry  starting from a radio jockey in radio mirchi to a policeman's character in the comedy series FIR on Sab Tv to hosting some IPL show , as i'm not into cricket i didn't have the opportunity to catch him there . He also did anchoring for the Indian version of 'Dancing with the stars' called Jhalak dikhlaja but he was later replaced by someone else it seems.


Then his break in movies came with a not very popular film titled ' Aage se right' , although i had seen the movie but he didn't catch my eye back then but some thing about him in the film poster of Leelai (the tamil movie i referred earlier) has made me all ga ga about him.




Now Rating shiv on apple meter, Shiv gets himself a delicious 3 on 5  

Is there More To Life than a relationship ?

Realizing i'm  gay and taking a decision of not getting married to a girl just to go with the social norms was something i had taken long way back when i was entering my high school life. I might have been naive at the time but i had made my mind to stick to the decision made. Since then my aim in life was to stand on my own feet and have a way of life which would empower me to have my way with life and not get burdened by family, relations, society may be thats why i don't have many close friends or good relations with my extended family. 

Later at some point in my life the need for a companion became so strong and it took over my life for better or for worse. My thought process turned to  'what is the use of having a life which might be successful when if you don't have someone to share it with' . So everything in my life took a back seat and finding the guy became my priority. In the pursuit i lost many things including my aim of having myself empowered so that i could do things as i please, i just wanted a companionship. Even with many futile attempts of having a relationship i kept my hopes up all during college life and when entering the professional life. The search had been in full gear for the past few months. 

Last week i had a chat with a friend and he made me realize that having a relationship is not whats life is all about specially in the gay world where commitment and fidelity are very hard to find, and i may be wasting my life not thinking about other things in my life. I should try to enjoy the finer things in life. At this point i am still not sure how will i be able to enjoy my life without having someone to share it with. I might need a whole  paradigm shift in my thinking. Hoping some guy someday will come into my life, i am now turning  my search down a notch . As of now i am trying to regain my habit of reading which i had lost in all the commotion of my 'search' , beginning  with Jeffrey Archer. Wish me luck.

Conversations

Why do some conversation just get awkward at times  ??? This guy i met online gave me his number i called him up for a chat and guess what we had only silence. I mean why sometimes there is nothing to talk about even its not some stranger but a friend you have known since long. May be its just me who isnt a very outspoken person , and find it difficult to keep a conversation going. Hope someday i'll be able to have some non-stop conversation with someone !!!