Saturday, June 19, 2010

Blast From The Past- Part Three

Catch the previous chapters of the story here :


As i walked back to the Bear Party which was being disguised as a House warming party, i was thinking may be it was not going to be that hard to spend time with the guys, may be i'll also try a drink. 'What ?' I could hear the the angel and demon in my mind having a fight.

'Did you forget your list of dos and donts' argued the angel.
'So what there's no harm in trying it once' responded the devil.
'No, its just a strict no no ...',
'What no no, live life to the fullest..'

I am going mad i thought, having conversations in my mind . As we reached back at the house a gang of about 12-15 guys were all ready present for the booze party. At first i was very uncomfortable. Mr. L wasn't drinking i could see he was just checking out some songs on PC. I thought not to bother him, i still was hurt from the conversation we had earlier. I decided to start a conversation with a someone else but i kept checking Mr L from time to time. I saw him going to the terrace of the house and having a conversation with a guy who was having a smoke. Oh god, please dont let Mr L have a smoke, i prayed. Few days back i had showed Mr L an article on ill-effects of smoking and almost had convinced him not to smoke again, but i knew he wasn't convinced enough. Mr L caught my eye looking at him and saw the message 'don't do it' in them. The guy with the pack of cigarettes said something to L and starting laughing, i didn't hear what that guy said but Mr L took a cigarette from the pack and lit up. I felt disappointed .'He doesn't care what you think' i heard someone say but soon realized it was coming from my mind again.I wasn't feeling like staying in the house anymore and left the house after saying my good byes to few guys and Mr L.

That night I was on the phone with Mr. L he was talking in his usual upbeat mood, and i was just making 'hmm..' sounds , after a while he asked 'Is everything alright ?'. 'Ya all is fine.' in a not so convincing tone. He queried again, 'you don't sound as if everything is fine.'

'No i was just thinking about the afternoon..'
'Don't tell me you are feeling guilty for not telling at home where you were today.'
'No silly, its just i thought i had convinced you of not smoking..'
'Don't start with the lecture again, please ' came back the reply from Mr L.

I was a bit taken aback by the tone Mr L. had chosen.'Sorry for caring for a friend's health.' i recoiled.'There you go again getting all so worried about me why can't you just chill jits? Whats the matter with you ? Why trying to run my life ? why cant you be just like other guys?'I didn't know what to reply him i couldn't say i was in love with him.I tried to defend myself citing 'Why the hell do i have to be like everyone else. I am proud of who i am.'

'Oh really ? you know what people at your back say ?'
'Please shed some light because you certainly know it all.' I was getting furious.

'Leave it.'Mr L said.
'No no please continue, let me know.'
'You might get hurt.'
'Don't you worry i'll handle it.'
'No never mind, lets talk about something else.'
'Why ? i thought you wanted me to be like others, let me know what others percieve of me. '
'Fine , you remember the day or rather night when you were trying to call and some other guys were here with me ?'
'Ya i do and i remember Mr J and Mr T were there with you being all the more annoying as always.'

'Right, you couldn't just sleep without talking to me ? huh ...' It was sounding more like a sarcastic statement coming from Mr L right now than a sweet thing.'You have any idea what those guys made me go through ? i was made a mockery, Mr J even drunk made a very good point, Dude whats wrong with jits ? Is he in love with you or something ? He is always at your side, and these calls are going long in the night , what is the meaning of this ? Are you gay L ?? Ha ha ha .... These were the words from J that night. You have no idea how embarrassed i was jits. Even Mr T started pointing out that how you are not like other guys, never appreciating a girl in college either. Is he gay ?' Mr L paused as if he was expecting an answer from me for that question.

'And what did you say ?' I asked trying to avoid giving any answer.
'I just said , no guys he is just a bit caring because we are good friends. But J came back with , the hell good friends , two guys talking on the phone till the early hours of morning is not just good friendship, if it was a girl then it would have been fine, we would think you are trying to woo her but with a guy L ? seriously you out of options ? ha ha ha.. '

I was feeling very guilty thinking what Mr L had to go through because of me.'I am sorry Mr L' i apologized. I could feel a tear sliding down my cheek.But Mr L was not done yet.'Wait, let me complete. It was not much of a deal for me what Mr J and T said, they were drunk , it did question me our relation but i know your intentions are not wrong .I decided that that i can try to make you a little bit more relaxed and chill so may be others could also be fine with your attitude so thats why i invited you to the party today.I could see you were making an effort but then that guy said something and ... anyways leave it.' Mr L was trying to avoid something.'Who said what L ?' I questioned.

'No leave it.'
'Mr L tell me i want to know.'
'Fine, a guy offered me smoke, and i remembered the article you had made me read.'
'But you still took the smoke anyway.'I said sarcastically.
'Ya, you know what that guy said jits ? When i said no and i was looking at you , that guy asked : You are not smoking because of him ? Come one L, jits is such a panzy almost like a fag and you are afraid of him ? ha ha ha... What ? he is ruling over your life ? Be a man L take decisions for yourself." He is right jits I don't want anyone running my life but me you understand ?'Mr L was furious.

I don't know what hurt me more Mr L, furious remark of me trying to control his life or being referred to as a fag.I just couldn't take all the things in, i felt like just going to sleep. 'I am sorry L if i have been trying to control you life.'I couldn't think of anything else to say to him.'I am not in a state of mind to speak much so i am hanging up now'.'Fine, came the reply from Mr L and he hung up first.'

I came back to my bed trying to fall asleep, but the conversation was going through my mind, playing again and again like a stuck record in a record player. I couldn't let my feelings for L make his life difficult. I need to do something about it.Should i stop my friendship with him ? Even the thought made something ache inside me. No i rejected the option. Should I tell him the truth. I will come out to him, confess my feelings and then let him decide what is to be done.But the consequences if he knows i am gay ? what will be the repercussions ? There's no use trying all the permutations of the outcome i said to myself, I will just tell him and be prepared for whatever comes. So deciding that i am going to come out to Mr L i tried to put my thoughts in a sack and catch a sleep.

To be continued..


  1. I loved how you described the dialogue sequence between you and Mr. L....totally kept me enthralled!!

    Abt Mr. L...well, I guess it has more to do with people calling him a 'fag' and questioning his masculinity...i hope you two didn't broke your friendship over a couple of comments from ignorant moron!!

  2. Thanks for the Appreciation phunk :D , about L ya he was more worried of someone questioning his masculinity and it was quiet normal for him to feel that way, any guy would be somewhat apprehensive ... What happened between me and L ,you will have to wait for the next post :)