Blast From The Past - The Incident

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One
2. Chapter Two
3. Chapter Three

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The Incident

The next day in college was uneventful,Mr L was normal as usual as if nothing had happened the night before, i tried to play along but kept my distance from Mr L.I had decided not to come out to him in college, his reactions were unpredictable and a scene was something i wanted to avoid, so i marked the coming Saturday when we had a off from college as the D Day.

The weekend finally arrived. We had a tuition class together i thought i will talk with him after that. We didn't have any fixed time for the class, it was a lab session, so we were actually free to come and go at anytime only requirement was to complete the experiments at the end of month. Mr L and I usually used to sit together and share the apparatus, that day also we were on the same table doing an experiment. I was thinking telling him something like 'I am gay' out of the blue seemed very illogical so i was waiting for a way to ease it into a conversation, Mr L only gave me a break, "You wanna call it a day and end this i am not feeling like to continue anymore"."Sure why not, what do you wanna do then i have time till evening ?" i asked.

We decided for a movie. There was neither any good English nor Hindi movie on, so we settled for a regional Malayalam one.The movie was titled 'ChanduPottu', i had suggested the movie with an ulterior motive in mind.The title refers to a type of bindi worn by women in southern parts of india which basically is like a water colour which solidifies after putting on the forehead. But the movie was not centered around women it was actually about a guy who was more in touch with his feminine side. After watching the trailers i had thought it dealt with homosexuality and that was why i had insisted L to go for this movie, but later i found out the guy in the movie although had feminine gestures but was straight and the reason for his girlish nature was shown as lack of a father figure in his life.

As we were proceeding for the ticket counter, Mr L said, 'I am a bit short of money what you say we take the seats downstairs which are cheaper ?', I gave him an approving nod and we approached the separate counter for the cheaper tickets, it was located in the basement of the theater complex and to control the crowds the ticket lanes were fitted with Iron railing from roof to the floor, it almost felt like being in prison. The place was looking deserted today and kind of creepy , I asked L "You sure the counter has opened i can see no one around, looks empty." Mr L dismissed me with a waving hand and asked me to follow him. I was feeling as if something was not right and my fears were going to turn into nightmare.

Mr L was walking in front of me and then suddenly i heard noises from my back, it was as if 3-4 guys were coming our way i was relieved thinking that at least someone else was here. 4 guys came from the back and i felt someone grabbing hold of my shoulders in an attempt to stop me from moving further , at the same moment a guy rushed past me and pinned Mr L against the iron railings. It happened so fast i didn't know how to react and just a gasp escaped my mouth as i was also pinned to the railings. I just couldn't get my head around what was happening it was when Mr L said "What the f*** ? what do you guys want ?" i came back to my senses.The first thought that came to me was these must be Mr L's friends playing some joke on us, but when i saw a sharp looking knife in one of the hands i realized this is no joke.

I could feel the railing piercing my chest and tried to shake the Big guy who was holding me down but all effort in vain.I could see Mr L also trying to fight off his way to freedom with no success. "Check him" the thug who held me down ordered, hinting at me. I felt a pair of hands inspecting my back pocket and retrieving my wallet. It was basically empty apart from some Rs 10 notes for my ride home back in bus."This is freaking empty man" the guy announced after checking the contents.I was still telling myself this is all just a joke and somebody will put this cruel joke to an end soon, but the events had just begun to unfold.

I could notice the third guy checking Mr L's wallet only to find nothing again. The group of 4 was getting furious with no result of their hunt. Mr L was still trying to get loose, and he got a chance to shake the guy on him loose and give him blow in the guts with his elbow. Watching this the other two crashed hard on Mr L, Mr L felt to ground and they were kicking him mercilessly, i started screaming and yelling but no one was to around to hear them this was a closed basement and the only exit was around the ticket counter to other side of the railings. "You bloody guys don't have anything of use, you have wasted our time now your friend is going to pay for it." said the guy who was pinning me down. I was feeling helpless not able to help Mr L in any way suddenly i felt some thing cold against my chest.


To be continued...

Blast From The Past- Part Three

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

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As i walked back to the Bear Party which was being disguised as a House warming party, i was thinking may be it was not going to be that hard to spend time with the guys, may be i'll also try a drink. 'What ?' I could hear the the angel and demon in my mind having a fight.

'Did you forget your list of dos and donts' argued the angel.
'So what there's no harm in trying it once' responded the devil.
'No, its just a strict no no ...',
'What no no, live life to the fullest..'

I am going mad i thought, having conversations in my mind . As we reached back at the house a gang of about 12-15 guys were all ready present for the booze party. At first i was very uncomfortable. Mr. L wasn't drinking i could see he was just checking out some songs on PC. I thought not to bother him, i still was hurt from the conversation we had earlier. I decided to start a conversation with a someone else but i kept checking Mr L from time to time. I saw him going to the terrace of the house and having a conversation with a guy who was having a smoke. Oh god, please dont let Mr L have a smoke, i prayed. Few days back i had showed Mr L an article on ill-effects of smoking and almost had convinced him not to smoke again, but i knew he wasn't convinced enough. Mr L caught my eye looking at him and saw the message 'don't do it' in them. The guy with the pack of cigarettes said something to L and starting laughing, i didn't hear what that guy said but Mr L took a cigarette from the pack and lit up. I felt disappointed .'He doesn't care what you think' i heard someone say but soon realized it was coming from my mind again.I wasn't feeling like staying in the house anymore and left the house after saying my good byes to few guys and Mr L.

That night I was on the phone with Mr. L he was talking in his usual upbeat mood, and i was just making 'hmm..' sounds , after a while he asked 'Is everything alright ?'. 'Ya all is fine.' in a not so convincing tone. He queried again, 'you don't sound as if everything is fine.'

'No i was just thinking about the afternoon..'
'Don't tell me you are feeling guilty for not telling at home where you were today.'
'No silly, its just i thought i had convinced you of not smoking..'
'Don't start with the lecture again, please ' came back the reply from Mr L.

I was a bit taken aback by the tone Mr L. had chosen.'Sorry for caring for a friend's health.' i recoiled.'There you go again getting all so worried about me why can't you just chill jits? Whats the matter with you ? Why trying to run my life ? why cant you be just like other guys?'I didn't know what to reply him i couldn't say i was in love with him.I tried to defend myself citing 'Why the hell do i have to be like everyone else. I am proud of who i am.'

'Oh really ? you know what people at your back say ?'
'Please shed some light because you certainly know it all.' I was getting furious.

'Leave it.'Mr L said.
'No no please continue, let me know.'
'You might get hurt.'
'Don't you worry i'll handle it.'
'No never mind, lets talk about something else.'
'Why ? i thought you wanted me to be like others, let me know what others percieve of me. '
'Fine , you remember the day or rather night when you were trying to call and some other guys were here with me ?'
'Ya i do and i remember Mr J and Mr T were there with you being all the more annoying as always.'

'Right, you couldn't just sleep without talking to me ? huh ...' It was sounding more like a sarcastic statement coming from Mr L right now than a sweet thing.'You have any idea what those guys made me go through ? i was made a mockery, Mr J even drunk made a very good point, Dude whats wrong with jits ? Is he in love with you or something ? He is always at your side, and these calls are going long in the night , what is the meaning of this ? Are you gay L ?? Ha ha ha .... These were the words from J that night. You have no idea how embarrassed i was jits. Even Mr T started pointing out that how you are not like other guys, never appreciating a girl in college either. Is he gay ?' Mr L paused as if he was expecting an answer from me for that question.

'And what did you say ?' I asked trying to avoid giving any answer.
'I just said , no guys he is just a bit caring because we are good friends. But J came back with , the hell good friends , two guys talking on the phone till the early hours of morning is not just good friendship, if it was a girl then it would have been fine, we would think you are trying to woo her but with a guy L ? seriously you out of options ? ha ha ha.. '

I was feeling very guilty thinking what Mr L had to go through because of me.'I am sorry Mr L' i apologized. I could feel a tear sliding down my cheek.But Mr L was not done yet.'Wait, let me complete. It was not much of a deal for me what Mr J and T said, they were drunk , it did question me our relation but i know your intentions are not wrong .I decided that that i can try to make you a little bit more relaxed and chill so may be others could also be fine with your attitude so thats why i invited you to the party today.I could see you were making an effort but then that guy said something and ... anyways leave it.' Mr L was trying to avoid something.'Who said what L ?' I questioned.

'No leave it.'
'Mr L tell me i want to know.'
'Fine, a guy offered me smoke, and i remembered the article you had made me read.'
'But you still took the smoke anyway.'I said sarcastically.
'Ya, you know what that guy said jits ? When i said no and i was looking at you , that guy asked : You are not smoking because of him ? Come one L, jits is such a panzy almost like a fag and you are afraid of him ? ha ha ha... What ? he is ruling over your life ? Be a man L take decisions for yourself." He is right jits I don't want anyone running my life but me you understand ?'Mr L was furious.

I don't know what hurt me more Mr L, furious remark of me trying to control his life or being referred to as a fag.I just couldn't take all the things in, i felt like just going to sleep. 'I am sorry L if i have been trying to control you life.'I couldn't think of anything else to say to him.'I am not in a state of mind to speak much so i am hanging up now'.'Fine, came the reply from Mr L and he hung up first.'

I came back to my bed trying to fall asleep, but the conversation was going through my mind, playing again and again like a stuck record in a record player. I couldn't let my feelings for L make his life difficult. I need to do something about it.Should i stop my friendship with him ? Even the thought made something ache inside me. No i rejected the option. Should I tell him the truth. I will come out to him, confess my feelings and then let him decide what is to be done.But the consequences if he knows i am gay ? what will be the repercussions ? There's no use trying all the permutations of the outcome i said to myself, I will just tell him and be prepared for whatever comes. So deciding that i am going to come out to Mr L i tried to put my thoughts in a sack and catch a sleep.


To be continued..

Blast From the Past continued ...

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

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As the bell for period rang i rushed to Mr L with all the questions on my mind. As i was approaching him i felt a bit of fear within me. What if all that i was thinking is true ? will Mr L stop interacting with me ? How will i survive without talking to him. I got to the desk he was sitting and he looked up. I wished him the usual good morning, i figured to keep it normal and not attack him with all the things in my mind. May be nothing had happened, may be he just sat there because he was late and wanted just to sit and that seat was close to the door anyways. He responded back with just his eyes , it was his 'so whats new' look ,(ya i had named his looks , i was obsessed with him). I felt a relief, i thanked god, all was right, so i thought. A few days passed and our talks continued on the phone in night and we started hanging out with each other on weekends bunking our tuitions.

As i boarded my college bus one day i heard from a friend that a staff from our college had passed away in a bike accident , I didn't exactly know who he was but i had seen him around the college. I felt sorry for the guy, anyways when we reached the college the news was buzzing among all. Even before we could get to our classes we were asked to assemble in front of the chapel in our campus.Our manager who was also the pastor at the chapel made a small prayer for the soul of the deceased staff and declared the day to be a holiday for the mourning.I thought wow a day off, i mean i did feel sorry for the guy but heh it got me one boring day off from college.

I was on the bus back when i heard Mr L on bus, i was surprised because he usually traveled on another route i went to him greeted him and asked him where is he going ? He told me he was going to a college friend's new house and they were going to have a 'house warming' party, pointing to a guy from another branch. I was like why wasn't i invited but finding my ego in my way didn't say anything just smiled and was going back to my seat when Mr L. asked "You want to come along ?" I was so elated that My Mr L never forgot about me.No one was expecting me back home till evening so why not, plus i will get to spend more time with Mr L, I agreed and we got down and went to the new house. We were the first ones to arrive with the guy whose house it was.The house was locked and the guy with us opened the door. " You guys have not moved in yet ?" i asked. "No the pallu kachu has not been done yet " came the reply.

Pallu kachu is the hindu malayli version of house warming where all sort of prayers are done which is followed by the lady of the house carrying first vessel of milk to be put on the kitchen stove and let the milk skimmer. If the milk topples over the top of the vessel it is supposed to bring lots of good fortune to the house.The house was beautiful no doubt. As we entered i noticed some bottles of bear on the table right in front of us. Then it suddenly hit me its a booze party oh god how am i going to handle this i don't drink, boy it was going to be torture why didn't i think of it earlier i was cursing myself. Mr L knew that i don't drink why did he invite me to this then ?

Mr L might have seen my uneasiness he told the guy that Mr L and i are going for a walk till rest of the guys come. The vicinity of the house was very clam and peaceful , with all the tall coconut trees around swaying in the gentle breeze.The whole place felt so cool even in the middle of afternoon. Mr L and i walked for a while, i was silent thinking how will i handle things at the party. "You know you should have more trust in me" came a statement from Mr L. I got my senses back and gave Mr L a puzzled look. "I knew you wouldn't be much comfortable around drunk guys but still i wanted you to come here" replied Mr L to my questioning look. "why ... " i couldn't even complete my sentence when Mr L continued "I want you to fit in with the regular guys, you know people say that your behavior is different, i don't want to hear that from anyone. I want you to be more like normal guys, thats why i wanted you to be here so that you can understand how regular guys are. ".


I was taken aback by this sudden revelation.I knew i wasn't like other guys although i didn't flaunt my sexuality but neither did i act straight, i tried to keep it neutral always, i didn't know it had came into anyone's attention."I know i am different L but thats the way i am and i thought you liked who i am." i replied to L."I do respect your individuality jits but ....", "But i am not good enough right ? to fit in" i was furious , "i thought every person has the right to be what they are , i don't care what people think L, but your opinion it matters to me a lot L If you think i am not good enough then lets stop our friendship right here right now." I could feel tears filling up in my eyes so i broke the eye to eye conversation we were having and moved a few paces ahead of him just to get a grip on myself. There was a moment of silence and i could hear only the leaves around us swaying. Mr L came up to me and held my hand, a chill almost ran through me when i got to feel his palm in my palm . "You are such a drama u know that , you should try in daily soaps i am sure you would make a good earning" said Mr L with his electrifying smile.I was floored to the ground and started laughing.

"Come lets go back to the party we will talk later" said Mr L , he didn't let go of my hand and i was enjoying each step i took with him although the conversation we had was coming back to me again and again, i pushed it back so that i could manage the drunken goons i was going to meet back at the house.

To be continued ...

Blast From The Past

We all have memories in our lives some which we cherish some which make us shudder and then there are somethings or someone who just brings a mix bag of emotions, a martini of love & hatred. Something similar happened to me a few days back with me when some one (and by this time if you have been reading my posts you must know it is a guy only i am talking about :D ) came as a blast from the past.

Let me rewind the time (i wish i could go back in it but alas physics still hasn't cracked that code yet ! ) and take you four years back when i started my college life. It was the first day of my college , i was nervous that day, thinking about the new people i was going to meet, if i would be able to make some friends.So on my first day of college i met Mr. V, Mr. J and Mr. L .Mr V was an eye candy with his fair skin, perfect cheek bones and a cute puppy smile, thats why i had decided to walk up to him and introduce myself but alas he was in a different section ahhh my dream of watching him all the time shattered, Mr V introduced me to Mr J and Mr L who were in my section. J and L knew each other from school they were below average in looks but i loved Mr J's Height, he was tall. I hit it off with both of them very easily all thanks to Mr J who is one of the most easy going and kind hearted person i have met in my life. I will pen down about Mr J some time else, this post's protagonist is Mr L.

As time flew me and Mr L became close friends. Although to him it was friendship, i on the other hand had found new meanings for 'friendship'. We had long chats in night on the phone, he used to talk about his past and I used to blabber about mine , most of the times he slept bored of my sound and i used to enjoy his snores on the phones for a while. I was enjoying all the attention i was getting from him and things were going wonderful. I was falling for him knowing at the back of my mind that he will never fall for me because i knew he was straight , siting together in class, going together for lunch , I even joined a tuition class so that i could be with him on weekends.Oh i was obsessed with him no doubt in that. Our 'close' friendship was attracting some unwanted attention.

One night i called him up as usual for our night chat and Mr J and another friend Mr T was there too, they were getting drunk as i realized later.Not caring of whom is there on the other side i started talking to L but after a while J took the phone and was talking nonsense. I got irritated and disconnected. But i couldn't resist completing my chat with L, so i again called him up. L took the call but lost it to T this time, I again hung up. This went for couple of times and finally i gave up. Next day in college as usual i was waiting for L to show up so i held the seat next to me for him. He came late, already the class had started and sat on a desk on the other side of the room. I was puzzled , did i do something wrong ? why didn't he even wave me a good morning. Was it the lat night's episode. Did i cross a line ? With all these questions in my mind i waited for the class to get over and to confront him with some questions.

To Be Continued....

Why Can't i have a straight guy as a 'Good Friend' ?

Why is it that i cant have a straight guy with whom i can have a good friendship ? A question which i have pondered about a lot , at times i think its because i am not that outspoken, or because of my rigid list of dos and donts but  most of the times i end up blaming everything on my sexual orientation !

For most closeted gays who have mastered the art of acting straight it isnt that difficult to gel up with 'normal' guys and as beyonce says '.. drink bear with the guys and chase after girls..' but for me pretending never came easy. Hence i just didn't participate in the 'chick watchout' , 'drunk dumbos' ,'road rage' or 'sporty evenings' programs, all through my adolescent life, when most guys were busy drooling over some girl, watch porn, talk about bikes, play cricket or get drunk i  preferred to be left alone and surrounded by my studies, may be thats why i was good with studies since i didn't have any other distractions. Once in a while some hetro guy would get close to being a friend but then my heart would fall for him and totally ruin the friendship (happened at least 2- 3 times). All in all things never worked out for me i was sad at times , at times happy that at least i am doing what i am supposed to be doing in college studying but now looking back i think i did miss out on many things by not having a straight friend circle , by not getting drunk , by missing out on adrenalin bike rides ahh the decisions which one regrets!

This attitude still ripples though my life even now i cant mingle with the straight crowd and remain in my own zone. May be people perceive me as arrogant. Whatever it may be i might not have good straight friends and gay ones (who want friendship in its right sense) are hard to find. I am grateful that i do have some gay friends  but i hope they know how indebted i am to them for their love and support or else i would have been totally screwed ! (I know my life does sound pathetic but heh i'll survive :) )

Apple Of My Eye

This is a series of posts where i would like you to know about any particular hunk or some cute guy from the public domain who just make me, as britney puts it ' CRAZY ... ' :D . Also find what i rate him on my special meter called  the 'Apple Meter'.  






 













Well the guy who caught my attention from a film poster of a tamil movie is Shiv Pandit. As I found out he is a dilliwala (i.e. a delhi guy for those who are not famliar with that vernacular) who had many stints in the entertainment industry  starting from a radio jockey in radio mirchi to a policeman's character in the comedy series FIR on Sab Tv to hosting some IPL show , as i'm not into cricket i didn't have the opportunity to catch him there . He also did anchoring for the Indian version of 'Dancing with the stars' called Jhalak dikhlaja but he was later replaced by someone else it seems.


Then his break in movies came with a not very popular film titled ' Aage se right' , although i had seen the movie but he didn't catch my eye back then but some thing about him in the film poster of Leelai (the tamil movie i referred earlier) has made me all ga ga about him.




Now Rating shiv on apple meter, Shiv gets himself a delicious 3 on 5  

Is there More To Life than a relationship ?

Realizing i'm  gay and taking a decision of not getting married to a girl just to go with the social norms was something i had taken long way back when i was entering my high school life. I might have been naive at the time but i had made my mind to stick to the decision made. Since then my aim in life was to stand on my own feet and have a way of life which would empower me to have my way with life and not get burdened by family, relations, society may be thats why i don't have many close friends or good relations with my extended family. 

Later at some point in my life the need for a companion became so strong and it took over my life for better or for worse. My thought process turned to  'what is the use of having a life which might be successful when if you don't have someone to share it with' . So everything in my life took a back seat and finding the guy became my priority. In the pursuit i lost many things including my aim of having myself empowered so that i could do things as i please, i just wanted a companionship. Even with many futile attempts of having a relationship i kept my hopes up all during college life and when entering the professional life. The search had been in full gear for the past few months. 

Last week i had a chat with a friend and he made me realize that having a relationship is not whats life is all about specially in the gay world where commitment and fidelity are very hard to find, and i may be wasting my life not thinking about other things in my life. I should try to enjoy the finer things in life. At this point i am still not sure how will i be able to enjoy my life without having someone to share it with. I might need a whole  paradigm shift in my thinking. Hoping some guy someday will come into my life, i am now turning  my search down a notch . As of now i am trying to regain my habit of reading which i had lost in all the commotion of my 'search' , beginning  with Jeffrey Archer. Wish me luck.