Opening Up !

Indian conservative society sure seems to be opening up to new horizons. I recently saw this ad in few of the leading dailies in India, It was hilarious, provocative and off course appealing to me as a gay guy, i mean why not it had well chiseled men in it.Although some call it obscene and vulgar, i just think it was funny and need to be taken in that stride. Which section of  consumers is this ad targeted ? I am still not sure but as a gay man i sure enjoy my eye candy ;) .

The striking down of 377 by Delhi high court sure was a landmark judgement and after that the society sure seems to be more tolerant. I agree we still have a long way to go to be accepted in the society but at least we don't have to live in fear now. Another news which made me all joyful was  'I am' winning the national award. Its based on one of the people who i admire the most, Harish Iyer. Vidya Balan was also decorated with the award for Best Actor (female) another personality i am in love with.

The movie by Onir who has made sensible movies related to gay issues like 'My brother nikhil', and I am consisting of four stories with one being related to gay issue just goes out to show that even Indian Cinema is acknowledging the gay presence. I came across the following news as well which opens up another shirt's button worn by society, so to speak ;). A mall exclusively for transgenders, wow that's bold ! 

http://www.hindustantimes.com/Entertainment/Tabloid/Now-a-mall-only-for-transgenders/Article1-822941.aspx

Well those were the candies now for the cough syrup, i did come across the following article as well regarding a bunch of religious extremists and so called moral police challenging the Delhi Court's reading down of 377.

http://www.dnaindia.com/lifestyle/report_whats-hiv-got-to-do-with-homosexuality_1663790

India which sure is a land of paradox what does the gay culture has in-store god only knows but here's hoping a brighter future.

Bad Streak

First of all , a very Happy and prosperous New Year to everyone out there !

The year went by was something of a roller coaster ride for me. I went from being at the pinnacle of happiness to the depths of mourning, from being single to committed and then miserable after the breakup. I also grew stronger, discovered traits in my character previously unknown. Got myself in an accident twice and survived without any scratches.  As the year came to an end i had mixed felling but then on the penultimate and on new year's eve a bad streak of luck just made me thankful that the year is finally bidding farewell.

1 day to New Year
Got off early from work and boarded a bus for a 5 hour long ride back to hometown for new years. Boy it was crowded and just when hoping some hunk will sit next to me a girl , a pretty as well came and sat next to me. Men around were checking her out for sure. I on the other hand had no interest so just went to sleep. I woke up with a sudden forward thrust only to realize the bus was putting on its breaks and then a loud thud from the front of the bus. We were involved in a accident with another public transport. Luckily i was not hurt unfortunately i cant say the same for the rest of the population on the bus. There was blood all around with people bleeding from their noses because of the sudden impact. The girl next to me was in pain as well, as i tried to clam her down my mind went to thinking what next ? How to get out of here, the bus was in no condition to transport anymore. We got down from the wheels of misfortune and looked for our alternatives after the ambulance and authorities arrived. The girl (being a girl) got a lift from a couple going in a car while others tried boarding the next bus which was passing by the highway in middle of nowhere. It was too crowded for me to make an attempt with bags in my hand. I tried my hand at getting a lift but all in vain. Then after 1 hour of waiting on the road in middle of nowhere i told myself to get into the next bus no matter what and i did finally reached home after a journey longer than what i had expected, thanking the god almighty that once again i survived a crash without getting hurt.

New Year's Eve
Finally at home still trying to get over the exhausting previous day of misfortune i got myself ready for a date with a guy i was in touch for sometime now. I met the guy , he seemed decent, well dressed and not bad in the looks department as well. We started chatting. Sat down to have a snack at an eatery in one of busy markets of the city. After getting to know each other it was time to say goodbye so i got up went to restroom leaving my jacket at the table. When i came back the guy had vanished with my jacket. First i thought maybe he stepped out so i tried calling his number but it went to voice mail. Then it hit me i had been mugged. I know i should be thankful it was just the jacket but still i am still confused why the guy put in effort of keeping in touch via text and calls just to meet and flee with a jacket. May be was just a kleptomaniac !

So that's how i ended my new year avoiding major disasters and getting robbed. I just hope the new year brings some good luck with it for me.

Happy Freaking New Year !

Happy Diwali

Its that time of year again for all the festivities, lights, sights, sweets, fireworks. Yes its diwali here in this part of the world and wishing you all out there a happy, joyous and prosperous diwali. Diwali is the festival of lights here in india where every  house is lit up and children burst crackers along with people creating rangoli (an folk art in india where intricate designs are made on the floor with colored powder or flowers)

Rangoli By yours truly (last year) 

This time around we are not celebrating diwali at our home in honor of a close relative who recently passed away. May the soul rest in peace. Still here's wishing everyone out there a beautiful Diwali !

Falling again

When does one realize that one has feelings for someone. Is it when the only person you can think about is that guy ?  Is it when all you want in a day is a smile from him ? Is it when you would cancel all your plans just so that you can spend time with him ? Well if these are the parameters then i sure have fallen for someone, big time. So whats the problem , well he's straight. This is not the first time i have fallen for a straight guy. There was L on whom i had written a whole series 'Blast From the Past'. However this new guy from  office whom i have these new found feelings for, reminds me more of another guy i had the hots for back in my college, Jewis.

Jewis was someone with whom i really got close on a personal level sharing all my fears and thoughts, even of being gay. He was very protective about me. Very helpful and someone with a very big heart. But maybe he was just being a good friend. This colleague of mine whom i have started feeling something reminds me of jewis again. I find myself drawing too many parallels between the two. This again started my train of thoughts, maybe he is also just being a good friend. I know this because both of them had/have girls in their life and have never shown any interest in me (well apart from a compliment here and there , that may be just a compliment). Come to think of it i never had any straight guy friend-friend sorts. Whichever straight guy got close to me i started falling for him. Maybe that's a fault line in my behavioral surface, i can't be just friends with a guy. May be i should think of a girl friend, that would be easier because at least i will not fall for them.


Although i do have gay friends but that's probably because of  i'm not interested in them in a dating sort of way. Oh boy that sounds so shallow :( I need to start working on myself to sort out things. Any advice people ?

Apple Of My Eye

Time to add another exquisite piece of nature to my list of AOME. This time around again its again from the entertainment industry. I got to watch his debut performance in an Indo-Canadian film venture titled Breakaway(aka Speedy Singhs). The lead role played by Vinay Virmani just made the film worth my money. I must say the motion picture in itself was not captivating but who cares when you have someone like vinay on screen.

Vinay an indian basically, who grew up in canada is son of a of business tycoon. Vinay who also penned down the script for the movie sports a stubble thorough most of the movie which all the more adds to his appeal along with those innocent eyes and a charming personality.

And as always how can i miss the aspect which appeals to me the most, now now hold on to your wild imagination, I mean his charming and captivating smile. Every time i saw him smile on screen i had a wide grin on my face as well, which my straight friends who were along side were quite curious about :P. Vinay's acting skills, well he need to brush them up more, if he wants to make it to mainstream Bollywood cinema which is his dream according to his interviews.

Vinay is supposed to be the protege of Indian superstar Akshay Kumar who also is one of the people pumping the mullah into the film and had a cameo in the film along with International artist Drake, Ludacris and the hilarious stand up comedy king Russel peters.

Although i had expected a shirtless scene in the locker room since it was a movie based on the game of ice-hockey there were none to my dismay :(

Now to rate vinay on my apple meter.
I give vinay from canada  mouth watering 4 apples.

    

Be a man !

"Oooo SHIT !!" ...
Boom..
Crash...
Screech...

The sounds are still buzzing in my ears. Had my first car accident yesterday last night. Thanks to someone up there who still loves me no one got hurt. Well except for my poor car ofcourse. Although i am a careful driver but i must confess i have been pushing the limits of speed on the road.Yesterday however was not all my fault or at least i believe so. It was late night, me and a friend of mine were returning from attending a wedding. We were cruising at the speed of 70 Km/hr, a truck was coming on our side in the wrong direction and the lights were blinding my sight. I avoided the truck and and saw a turn up ahead in the road. There were no street lights as well were on the out skirts of the city. As i was following the turn in the road i realized that the curve's radius is not as small as i expected and the left side rammed the footpath. The car for a second flew in the air and landed heavily on the left side although on four tyres (thank god it did not tip over).

As i stepped out and inspected the damage i realised that on of the tyre is bust. I thought well its alright we can change the tyre there is an extra in the trunk. But neither of us me or my friend had ever changed a tyre except probably watch someone do it. I know i am not a manly guy and although changing a tyre might not be a very masculine job but having never done it before i was very clumsy and could not even loose the bolts of tyre. My friend (a straight guy of course) stepped in and passed the comment "dude put some power in it". "Go ahead my gym freak" i retorted with a smirk on my face. Well thank god again he was there because i myself could not have done changing the Tyre, i mean lets be serious i can become a total female when it comes to cars (except for driving maybe) although we changed the Tyre but car was having trouble driving. The car steering had developed a slant to left and was going to left all the time and the shock absorbers had probaby broken because every bump on road was being very hard on the a** and not in a way i would prefer.

All the way i was tensed about how i would tell my dad and me and my friend were discussing that how i am gonna be grilled at home.In the midst of which i finally asked if anything had happened to him ? If he got hurt or anything.Thankfully the answer was no. I was lucky not to that much heat back at home. My dad was just happy that no one got hurt. I was not able to drop my friend till his home and he boarded a auto from half way. I messaged him to let me know whenever he reaches his place. He did message me and wished me good night. I replied him back that its gonna be a horror night for me :( , for which came the reply 'Already feeling sorry. You gotta take it like a man. At least nothing happened to us'. I don't know why but the statement 'take it like a man' just got stuck with me. Its been upsetting me the whole day probably because that is something i have been trying my whole life.

I have always been the more sentimental, feeling timid, not getting into fights kinda boy. I may never have the masculinity that world expects from me. And to get it from my friend (whom i had a crush on for a while now ) just triggered a memory of college when L used to say the same thing. 'Be a man' ! I had thought i had come to terms with who i am but surprise surprise I'm still not at that place. Boy when will i ??

Shallow Hal

I always thought that i am not shallow person. I try not to judge people and accept people the way they are. Recently an incident happened which bought out a shallow side of my personality for which i feel embarrassed , shamed and surprised. It reminded me of Jack Black in Shallow Hal before he was hypnotised that is.

I came across a profile on one of the gay dating sites and we started chatting. To be frank i was not much interested as the person was looking for hookups and myself being not that indulgent in acts of passion usually avoid mingling with such profiles but somehow the guy came across a decent person and he asked me to meet up. I was getting bored doing nothing at my room so i thought why not but just as a precautionary measure i asked to exchange pictures. He did show his pics and told me these are pictures from past and he is a bit different now. The pictures were of a below average looking guy but looks never mattered much to me so i was perfectly OK with meeting up. I asked him to meet at some coffee place but the guy was adamant that i come to his place. I told him outright that since we were not gonna be doing 'it' then why meet at his place ? His side of argument was as he does not have a vehicle to travel and it would be difficult for him to come out at this time as it was almost dark.

I offered him to pick him up and he agreed and gave direction to his place. I felt a bit awkward because i hardly meet anyone just hours after chatting for the first time. As i got to his place something was not feeling right. When i saw the sight before me i was a bit taken back. The guy looked nothing like his picture , he looked older, with almost no hair on his head and the shocker of shockers he was handicapped or being politically correct physically challenged. He was not on a wheel chair or anything but he has some problem with his legs and he limped. I suddenly felt so uncomfortable. I tend to become very inside my shell if i feel uncomfortable. The guy was trying to make conversation but i just could not get over the fact that he had missed to mention his condition while we were chatting.

I used to follow a series called 'Monk' where the protagonist had a number of phobias and manias and of which one was that he liked everything symmetrical. I remember in one episode where he comes across a man who just had one arm and Mr Monk just freaked out as the body was unsymmetrical. I was feeling the same, although the person before me had all his body parts intact but his physical inability just gave me a strange bubbling at the pit of my stomach. At first i felt that he should have told me about his condition before we met. Then i thought i actually never asked (because i had not imagined this can be a possibility). The guy was trying to keep the conversation going but i found myself lost in my own thoughts. Being gay itself is hard and that too with this inability might be even more difficult, while i was thinking this the guy asked me shall we go out ? I refused because i did not feel comfortable.

We chatted for some time he told me about his family and his work, he even told me about the guys he usually meets up for sex, his first sexual encounter with his brother - in - law, he even asked me about my body stats for which i just replied 'sorry i don't like to discuss such things'.

One question he put up really bugged me. "So when did you come into this line ?",
 confused by the question i responded with another question "You mean dating guys ? ",
"Sleeping with guys , turned gay, like after my encounter with my brother in law i started enjoying sleeping with men"
"I did not turn into a gay just one fine day or after any encounter, I was born gay, i knew from the very beginning that i like men although the term homosexuality and gay i came across in my teens." i tried to clarify his thoughts.

He never mentioned anything about his physical disability neither could i gather up the courage to ask him. Although the person was a jovial person but even after half an hour i was still feeling very much out of place and decided to say good bye to him.'When can we meet next ?' he asked ,'probably next weekend' i replied although not sure how much of that statement will hold true.



This incident made me realise that may be i am a shallow person at some level. There are somethings which i can get judgemental about.