Please Don't stop the music !

Those are the very words i wanted to tell the DJ last nite. After wining about my life in my last post i decided it high time i crossed of something from my long list of dreams. So finally went to a gay party pub yesterday night and danced my behind off :). It was an amazing experience . Got to saw so many good looking guys, guys making out on the floor , everyone just shedding their inhibition and being themselves. I also let myself loose and for the first time i got to be myself as well where i didn't have to think of anything.I must admit i was very nervous and scared at first because i haven't been to any pubs and the first time is always scary. The excitement however was so overwhelming that i kinda forgot about my fears.

Although i had thought i might get approached by someone, its an another story that i would not have gone through with it because i already have someone in my life but anyways it would have been so exiting but i guess that was stretcthing my luck to far, so although no one hit on me i was so engrossed in dance i did not care. It was like being in Babylon from QAF although not as fabulous as it but this was closest i could get to to my dream.

Finally i can cross one thing from my list grooving to the 'thumpa-thumpa' :)

Dream and Fantasy

Its been some time since i added a post , you could say i had lost my mojo for it but them someone came along and became my inspiration again. This post is dedicated to that special someone who has revived my spirit.

I recently started watching the series Queer as folk, and boy have i hooked. The life the characters lead is something which i had always fantasized about, being out about your sexuality, having a close group of gay friends, going to gay parties, dacing your heart out to the 'thumpa - thumpa', doing something for the gay community, finding love, adopting kids, raise a family. All this was my dream of a life in my future. Although these seem very far fetched.

Coming out of the closet is still the greatest hurdle for me. I think the first and foremost thing for one to come out is to have a support system wether be it family or friends. Now since family is the one group i want to come out to it leaves the friend circle and to find genuine friends in this gay world seems like an unsurmountable task. Although i do have some friends in my life but most of them are far apart to actually give the support i look for and most plan on to live a straight life marrying a girl, so again a support from that end seems doubtful.

I am not much of a outgoing person, although i love to dance i dont drink so i avoid going to  pubs as well. Most of the gay parties arranged in the town are in pubs so grooving to a thumpa - thumpa seems another thing which i would be doing in my dream only.

Doing something for the community is something which i would love to get invloved in but my work does not give me anytime, i know it seems more like an excuse than a reason so i think i need to figure out a way to take time out and actually dip my feet in doing for the commnity.

Finding love , well as most know its another herculean task, i am currenlty involved with a guy and i sure hope and pray that it does work out so that atleast one of my fantasy comes true.

Althoug gay sex was read as not illeagal by a high court in india but gay alliances are still not legal in my country. So settling down with a guy, is not feasible for now though you never know what the future holds. Since the stigma and taboo status that being gay holds i think it would be a torture for a child who is brought up by gay parents. So another dream down the drain.

Sometimes i think a way out would be migrate to a place where being gay is more 'acceptable' but then there are some responsibilities which i have towards my family which i cannot look over and move to a foriegn land.I dont know what the future holds but as of now things seem very dusky.

Blast From Part - The message

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

5. Chapter Five

6. Chapter Six

7. Chapter Seven

8. Chapter Eight

9. Chapter Nine
10. Chapter Ten

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The Message

It was the peultimate day at college and there was a gettogether at a friend's place, sort of a farewell party with booze and smoke. Since i had always avoided going to such parties i was apprehensive to go to this celebration as well, but all my classmates convinced me into going to it. After college i was gonna leave the city and come stay with my parents before joining  the compnay which had offered me a job. I said to myself why not! I reached the party venue early and people has just started to trickle in. I started a conversation with a group of guys around and that is when i heard those words.

"I cant believe that guy L f**ked that girl. I mean that girl was after some guy and L was after some other gal , in what turn of events did this happen ? ". I was a bit jolted by this remark. I knew guys  boast among themselves about how many gals they have taken to sheets but i knew none of them actually did it.
"What rubish where the hell did you guys hear this from ?" i enquired.
"From the horse's mouth itself. L was quiet drunk the other night when we met him and he just splilled the beans." came the reply from one of the guys.
"And you think its true , may be was just boasting " said someone else in the group.
"I wont say that because he was carrying a packet of contraceptives when we met him that day." replied the person  who had begun this conversation.
"In what all positions did they do it in ? Did he dish out more details ?" started one of the guys and i didnt feel like listening to the conversation anymore and i moved away from that group.

I dont know what came over me after hearing the conversation. I started to somehow feel jealous of the girl. She got to know L in a way that i never had or will. For L i just felt , i dont know how to describe what i felt about L, i still had feelings for him, but i had not yet forgiven him for betraying my trust, and not this reminder that he is straight and i will never have him the way i wanted him. After this incident , just looking at L became sort of a reminder about the fact that i can never have him. I felt relieved i can now finally move on from L knowing that he will never want me as i want him. As college came to closing i came back to my parent's house and then joined my office. I never tried contacting L.

8 months later....

It was 2 am in the morning, i had just come back from cake cutting as it was my birthday. I was too tired and was about to doze off when my phone beeped and the message read. "Happy Birthday." i checked the number and it was not my contact list."Than ks,may i know is this ? " i texted  back. No reply came. I forgot about this incident in the morning and my life passed on as usual.

1 year later...

It was my birthday again and at arounf 1 am in the monring after recieveing all the birthday calls, a messaged beeped my mobile. "Happy birthday." , the message was from an unkown number, it was like deja-vu and i remebered that this happened last year as well. This time i wanted to know who this is. I called the number back, it ringed on the other end. Someone took the call and i knew the voice. "Happy birthday friend, i know you must have forgotten me, but i still remember." came the voice from the other end.

With tears in my eyes i replied "you always make me cry you know that L, thanks for remebering."

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Me and L are in touch nowadays on facebook only because we  live very far from each other now. I still at times remeber the time i spent with L and something just fills my heart, is it love or hate for him , i may never figure it out but he remains truly a 'Blast From The Past'

Blast From Past - All out

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

5. Chapter Five

6. Chapter Six

7. Chapter Seven

8. Chapter Eight

9. Chapter Nine

**********************************************************************************

All Out

As i came to terms with what had just gone over the phone with D last night, i was feeling betrayed that someone whom i had trusted over the last two year had just blabbered away my confessions to a third person so blankly. It was L, its true that i had done it with my cousin but i t was something that just happened and i was very guilty about it later. I had promisied myself i will not indulge with my cousin anymore because it just didnt feel ethically right. I had confessed all of this to L one day when i was feeling very guilty about the same and had made him promise that he wont share it with anyone else. But it was obvious that L couldnt keep it to himself, he must have blurted out these things to D, there was no other explanation to the lines what D said. I was just so furious with L, i just felt betrayed. The things i shared with him were supposed to be between us.

I just didnt feel like talking to L anymore, i thought of confronting him but then i thought what will be the use he might deny it or accept it , the bottom line is i could not trust him anymore. I was just very angry at him but i was never a person who would create a scene , there was no use of it i decided and just chose to remain silent. This incident disturbed me a lot although i had thought of ignoring L altogether but it was hard doing it when in the same class at college. I felt like talking to L atimes but then those lines spoken by D came to my mind and i just kept quiet. L did ask sometime if anything was bothering as i was avoiding him. I replied 'you wanted me out of your life right, i am just trying to do that' with hurt, anger and sorrow.He didnt reply and started keeping distance from me as well from that point on. Although those lines just came from me without any thought i just figured that may be that is the reason L told D about this so that i loose interest in L and move out of his life. Well if this is what he wanted, he has been sucessful in the same. The more i thought about it , the more hatred started to fill for L in me.

A year passed and me and L moved far apart. Many people noticed the distances between us and asked me if aything had gone between asked to which i just replied we have moved apart. The college was about to be over and i heard that L slept with someone.

Happy New Year

A very Big Happy New Year to all you people out there ...

Its been a very busy new year for me with all the work i have at my office. Had a hectic and busy first week of new year. I just hope this does not continue for the rest of the year. Hope evryone else had a better begining.

Hope this New Year brings all the joy in the world to you :)

Blast From the Past - The Call

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

5. Chapter Five

6. Chapter Six

7. Chapter Seven

8. Chapter Eight

**********************************************************************************

The Call

"What the F... dude, you still want to talk to me? " responded L with a look of disgust. I was taken aback by this unexpected response. "Sorry, i was just saying goodbye what's the big deal ...." then it struck me. The Lie it was to drive me away ? Have i become this intolerable that he is trying to make up stories to make me hate him.I realised that i had become a torture in his life. I didn't say anything and just boarded my bus. L was leaving in his car.

I was disturbed the whole night thinking about how far i have pushed L away from me, i have made him look for resorts not only to cut me from his life but to totally annhilate me from his life.May be it high time i stopped bugging. Boy this is going to be difficult. I already am miserable, my grades are slacking , god what have i done to my life. Just because one person in my life is not in it anymore ? I just need to concentrate on my studies and not think about L at all, exams were approcahing and i decided to emmerse myself in my books and not let my mind wander on such thoughts. It was easier said than done. I couldn't concentrate , i was thinking about L all the time, i was not able to shut him from my mind.

The phone was ringing which woke me from my trance of thoughts.
"Hi , what you upto ?" it was L.
"Nothing much. Trying to study. You covered all the modules ?" i enquired.
"Na just one, that too just half, i'm not bright like you !" L joked.
"hmm" i gave a lukewarm response.
"Whats up with you, usually you laugh after every sentence." L replied.
"You know what's the reason L, that lie you told me. Have i become this intolerable that you have to lie to me, and just FYI it didnt change my feelings for you any bit. I still feel the same way. I dont think anything you do will change my feelings for you L." with that i disconected the call as i felt a silent tear roll down my cheek. I regret saying those lines to L because not even in my wildest dreams i thought what L did next.

I gave my exams, they went better than i expected and i was free for few days after the exams now and being idle i felt my mind again lost in thoughts of L. I used to call him everyday just to hear his voice the call didnt last much long because L had some backpapers to clear which were still going on and i didnt want him to loose time on my calls.

One day i got a call from an unknown number. I picked the call.
"Hello ? who is this ?"
"Hi Jits, how are you ? This is D"
It was the guy from my college whoose house warming party or rather booze party i had went once.
"Oh hi, how are you. This isnt you regular number, who's number is this ?" I asked.
"Oh a friends number ha ha"
Something sounded wrong. Is D drunk ?
"Are you alright D ? you sound drunk, are you ?"
"Oh ya baby! I am and horny as hell ha ha"
I didn't like the sound of that."Anything you wanted from me D ?"
"How about a blowjob baby ?"
"What ? what the hell are you talking about D?"
"Ya baby, im at my home , why dont you come over and we can have some fun."
"D you are drunk, we will talk later"
"Whats the matter jits, its just for fun jits , we will have some good fun."
"D we will talk later."
"Whats the matter jits, you can give a blowjob to your cousin and not me."
"What ? what the hell are you talking about D" and i disconnected the phone.
I was furious , what does D think i am! Although it was true but it was something which was between me and my cousin and one more person ......

Happy Diwali

Its the festival of lights here in India, and i wish evryone out there a very
 Happy and Prosperous Diwali.

Diwali symbolises celebrations for Hindu god, Lord Ram when he returns to his kingdom after 14 years of exile. Every house is decorated with lots of light and lamps , people bursts cracker, exchange gifts. Its truly a sight to see.So once again happy diwali evryone, may you be blessed with prosperity, hapiness and wealth. Have fun, enjoy !