Blast From the Past - The Call

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

5. Chapter Five

6. Chapter Six

7. Chapter Seven

8. Chapter Eight

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The Call

"What the F... dude, you still want to talk to me? " responded L with a look of disgust. I was taken aback by this unexpected response. "Sorry, i was just saying goodbye what's the big deal ...." then it struck me. The Lie it was to drive me away ? Have i become this intolerable that he is trying to make up stories to make me hate him.I realised that i had become a torture in his life. I didn't say anything and just boarded my bus. L was leaving in his car.

I was disturbed the whole night thinking about how far i have pushed L away from me, i have made him look for resorts not only to cut me from his life but to totally annhilate me from his life.May be it high time i stopped bugging. Boy this is going to be difficult. I already am miserable, my grades are slacking , god what have i done to my life. Just because one person in my life is not in it anymore ? I just need to concentrate on my studies and not think about L at all, exams were approcahing and i decided to emmerse myself in my books and not let my mind wander on such thoughts. It was easier said than done. I couldn't concentrate , i was thinking about L all the time, i was not able to shut him from my mind.

The phone was ringing which woke me from my trance of thoughts.
"Hi , what you upto ?" it was L.
"Nothing much. Trying to study. You covered all the modules ?" i enquired.
"Na just one, that too just half, i'm not bright like you !" L joked.
"hmm" i gave a lukewarm response.
"Whats up with you, usually you laugh after every sentence." L replied.
"You know what's the reason L, that lie you told me. Have i become this intolerable that you have to lie to me, and just FYI it didnt change my feelings for you any bit. I still feel the same way. I dont think anything you do will change my feelings for you L." with that i disconected the call as i felt a silent tear roll down my cheek. I regret saying those lines to L because not even in my wildest dreams i thought what L did next.

I gave my exams, they went better than i expected and i was free for few days after the exams now and being idle i felt my mind again lost in thoughts of L. I used to call him everyday just to hear his voice the call didnt last much long because L had some backpapers to clear which were still going on and i didnt want him to loose time on my calls.

One day i got a call from an unknown number. I picked the call.
"Hello ? who is this ?"
"Hi Jits, how are you ? This is D"
It was the guy from my college whoose house warming party or rather booze party i had went once.
"Oh hi, how are you. This isnt you regular number, who's number is this ?" I asked.
"Oh a friends number ha ha"
Something sounded wrong. Is D drunk ?
"Are you alright D ? you sound drunk, are you ?"
"Oh ya baby! I am and horny as hell ha ha"
I didn't like the sound of that."Anything you wanted from me D ?"
"How about a blowjob baby ?"
"What ? what the hell are you talking about D?"
"Ya baby, im at my home , why dont you come over and we can have some fun."
"D you are drunk, we will talk later"
"Whats the matter jits, its just for fun jits , we will have some good fun."
"D we will talk later."
"Whats the matter jits, you can give a blowjob to your cousin and not me."
"What ? what the hell are you talking about D" and i disconnected the phone.
I was furious , what does D think i am! Although it was true but it was something which was between me and my cousin and one more person ......

Happy Diwali

Its the festival of lights here in India, and i wish evryone out there a very
 Happy and Prosperous Diwali.

Diwali symbolises celebrations for Hindu god, Lord Ram when he returns to his kingdom after 14 years of exile. Every house is decorated with lots of light and lamps , people bursts cracker, exchange gifts. Its truly a sight to see.So once again happy diwali evryone, may you be blessed with prosperity, hapiness and wealth. Have fun, enjoy !

Blast From Past - The Lie

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

5. Chapter Five

6. Chapter Six

7. Chapter Seven

**********************************************************************************

The Lie

Oh god what did i do ! Why did i tell him ! I should kill myself ! Wait no what did i do ? I just told him the truth. I was prepared for this. He might not speak to me anymore but i couldn't keep it in any longer. May be this is for the best. While i was trying to console myself i was sure L also was going through a trauma digesting all this. I should give me some time to think things over. College continued and i tried to maintain my distance from him but i just couldn't and ended up trying to converse with him at many a time. L behaved as such nothing had happened between us at least in front of everyone but i could feel the distance between us. I was getting miserable day after day and i went into a shell not talking to anyone, not able to concentrate on studies and i started feeling depressed all the time. L must have noticed all this as did everyone else around me. L approached me one day in college and asked "Whats wrong with you ?"

I was so overwhelmed with emotions that i could feel  the waterworks beginning to start. I said nothing and went to the restroom to freshen myself up. I didn't attend the next class and L came looking for me in cafeteria where i usually used to sit to relax. "Why didn't you attend the class ? " L started.

"Nothing, was not feeling well. " I replied.
"You want to go to a doctor or something ?" L asked.
"No, I'm fine just the class is so boring i thought of skipping it."
"Jits i know you are upset since things are not normal between us, but you need to understand this is not easy for me either. I just can't handle when taunted with stupid remarks."
"I understand L, and i don't have anything against you."
"But they way you are nowadays ...."
"See L , i have feelings for you and i just told you because i didn't know what else to do. I know that you can't reciprocate them and i'm not asking you to. I know you can't , I can try to change these feelings L but its doesn't seem very much possible for me."

After hearing this L left and things remained the same for few days, then came some festival in college and celebrations were going on in college, while i was being my miserable self. L asked me to come with him. He had brought his car. He asked me to sit in it and took me for a drive.

A few minutes into the drive L said "I want to tell you something jits."
"All ears L "
"I am adopted jits."
"WHAT ! your kidding right ?"
"No, I'm not, the family i am living with adopted me when i was a few months old from an orphanage."
"Oh gosh ! L but your family loves you L, i don't think they ever feel you adopted."
"Ya they are nice people."
"But L you and your brother, you look so similar , how can you be adopted. "
"Well i had some surgeries "

I knew L was lying, he was not adopted, his looks so resembled to his brother and his father and no surgery can make you look so similar to someone. Why L was lying to me i didn't understand. I thought of playing along and nodded to whatever L was telling me.

We came back after the drive and college was about to get over i went to L to say my usual good bye and wished him bye. His reaction was surprising.

I Feel Good

Hi everyone, i know its been a while since i blogged about anything , it had been a couple of all work no play weeks for me, so couldn't get myself to pen anything down. But I'm back and hopefully will be more frequent.

Now for the feel good factor, I went for a date after almost 2 years. Why the gap of 2 years you ask. Well the simple answer would be preparing. I had learned from my last relationship that i was not yet ready to handle a relationship. To be committed to someone in the true sense of it. Being a 'grown up' and not obsessing over silly things.  Hence i preferred to be friends with anyone i met.

Last week i finally went on a date , i was nervous, thrilled, excited and what not. The date went quiet good and i liked the guy a lot as well (blushess : ) ), i might get to meet him again this weekend. Anyways it felt so good to realize that i have finally grown up and meet someone as an adult and not some teenager desperate for attention. So wish me luck guys hope things turn out good :)

chaos for now, i know this is a small post but will be back with more for sure soon.

Apple of My Eye

Heh people time for another one of 'Apple Of My Eye (AOME)' series. For those of who don't know AOME is a bunch of posts in which i rate the guy whodrive me crazy, usually guys belong to the glamor world but in general the public domain. This time its a true hunkie, a model, anchor and an ex Mr India Viraf Phiroz Patel.



I noticed Viraf in one of the ad campaigns of a Aerated drink in India. As always the smile and his laugh just captivated me.Viraf who has been Mr India in 2005 and has been in many ad campaign but again its this Limca ad which caught my eye , got a little bit of digging and found some amazing videos ,pics and facts about him.

For starters he has been in merchant navy. He did anchoring for travel shows as well, to a part in television series and even a stint in bollywood. Being a model he has an amazing body as well, check the below add something about the not so clean shave body really turned me on ;)



Viraf seems to be an active youtube user, he has some video journals of himself uploaded, i found the one below really cute where he is talking about the last day at the shoot of the television series he was part. You can see the sadness on his face is so obvious , may be he is faking it but with a face like that he can fake anything and i am ok with it ;). You just feel he is talking directly to you.



Aww i would just like to hug him and say its gonna be ok sweety Muah muah muah :) (I wish i could do that :P ) I should stop drooling over him and let you enjoy some pics of him i found. Enjoy ;)

Now to rate Viraf on the Apple Meter , viraf gets himself a sumptuous 4 on 5

Blast From Past - The Dyamics

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

5. Chapter Five

6. Chapter Six

**********************************************************************************

The Dynamics

"You know what being a homosexual is  L ?" I asked L half expecting him to answer it in positive. "Its just not about trying to get into a guy's pants you know." i continued without waiting for L's reply."To put it in simple words just a cross connection in my brain about likings and rest all i am normal" i tried with some humor to get some reaction from him. L was still silent obviously trying to digest things. "Are you listening L ?" i asked getting impatient. He just nodded. I continued about explaining to him thats its normal to be gay , its something i was born with and the usual "I am proud of who i am" .


"Can't you change ?" L said , speaking for the first time.
"Actually i don't want to change, i am happy to be what i am."


L again became silent. He did seem to be disturbed."Its ok L, i know its not easy to understand. And i totally understand if you feel uncomfortable around me and don't want to talk to me or keep this friendship going." i tried to console him and praying at the same time that he does not end our  friendship."I don't know what i feel right now jits may be we i should sleep over it , may be by tomorrow i will have things more clear." With that we called it a night 


Next morning i woke up early and left for my home leaving a text message for L to inform him of me leaving as he was asleep when i had left. I was thinking about the events that happened in the last 24 hours and was trying to get my brain around it. Have i done the right thing ? Will L severe his ties with me ? I prayed, hoped and wishes that he will find some way to keep our friendship going.


'I don't care who you are, where you from, what you do, as long as you love me' beeped a message from L. Was L trying to tell me something or just listening to Back street boys track i thought . I called him up. "What message was that ? " i begun with my questionnaire. "Has everything to be too be spelled out to you ? " L said. "I think i now  but i just want you to say it.". L told me that he is ok with whatever i am as of now and he doesn't care who i am but he clarified that he considers me as a brother to him an can never connect with me on any other level than that. I was exuberant that he had decided not to break our friendship and i told him to directly let me know if my talks ever got too much for him. 


Things returned to normal with us , i still hadn't expressed my love for L, i thought to take things one at a time. College continued our talks stretched longer in nights, i sometime even discussed even about a cute guy with him once or twice, he didn't respond to that so i stopped.  Things were going fine for some time but this was just the silence before the storm. Guys in college again started taunting L with my name. I never experienced the taunts because i never used to hang out with the college crowd, but L did and one day L asked me for the second time 
"Jits people are again asking me the same thing, jits tell me the truth are you in love with me ?"


I got a bit panicky, i thought of trying to change the topic but L was adamant, I decided to bare it all now, i confessed, "Yes, L i do love you." and the phone got disconnected ! 

Work place and Gay Friends

Is it really difficult to have gay friends at work ? I actually don't have any problems with meeting guys from my work but it seems the idea doesn't go well with most guys. Apprehension might be there because of the possibility of the other outing you in front of anyone .I  myself being closeted understand that perfectly well but if we can maintain confidentiality then i see no harm in it.

Recently it happened that i came across two guys on the gay net sphere who actually felt very uncomfortable meeting me after finding out that we work in the same company. Although both of them know who i am because i usually give my real name in chats and after knowing an employees name its easy to find anyone on our intranet, but i was not able to locate either of them. Although i feel a friend within or outside my office makes no difference to me but obviously to them it does. One of the guys has now disappared from my chats as well may be he found it too wierd. Anyways hoping that i do run into those guys some time, till them any hunk in my office is one of them for me ;)

Smiles

I recently went to watch a Hindi Movie titled 'Tere Bin Laden' , the movie was ok, did have its funny moments but i actually went just for the lead actor who is a Pop sensation from Pakistan Ali Zafar. I was just spell bound by his smile. When i later thought about it i realized that the first thing i try to take notice of about any guy is his smile. People always tell me i laugh a lot( why shouldn't I afterall laughter is the best medicine :P ) I am not very photogenic so i prefer to have my pics with all the 32 whites in frame and at times i do look good ! Having a cute smile with a dimple on a guy is such a huge turn on for me.(My Mr Perfet you reading ? :P )

      (Ali Zafar)

As a forwarded message i got staes 'Smile a simple curve which can set all things straight'. How true is it even in an argument a simple sign of a smile can make all the anger evaporate. Having a smile just gives out positive vibes around onself and you can see how people around you also stay cheerful. Even in our chats usage of 'smilies' are so common. At least in all my chat sentences i have a smily :) (see i told you !) Nowadays even smiley badges are becoming a fad amoung youngsters.

(A random Cute smile)

In our fast paced life no one actually nowadays cares to take notice around us , i would like to share with you something  which happened with me at work. I work in a firm which is like 4000 employees strong and hence you only get time to interact with a handful of people who are there in your team. My first day at my office was a bit scary for me because i hardly new anyone around and i was just worried about arranging myself an accodomation in the new city. While i was entering office that day obviously tensed and worried about having to settle in the city, the security gaurd at the gate gave me a smile and wished me Good morning. I just felt so relived although i didnt know that gaurd , the sincere smile from him just made me feel welcomed in the new city. He  asked me why i was looking so tensed and even guided me to some brokers to get an accomodation in the city.

So people just always keep smiling and be cheerful :D

Happy Friendship Day

Wish you all out there a happy friendship day...

Friends without whom this life just seems incomplete. To all my friends out there who have been with me through thick and thin , have supported me in sad times and rejoiced with me in those happy moments a Big Thank You !!! Wish you all a very happy friendship day ... Spread the joy people pick up that phone and wish all your friends :)

Blast From The Past - The Revelation

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four
5. Chapter Five

**********************************************************************************

The Revelation

'Your friend is now going to pay ...... Stop.... You first remove the chain........ your friend is not going to be able to walk .........' wait this is not happening all again, i must be dreaming i thought and then suddenly i felt someone calling my name , my cheeks felt warm as if someone is rubbing them no someone is slapping me, stop it hurts i opened my eyes to see a group of people surrounding me and Mr J was calling my name. I then realized i had passed out because of the bloody scene which had passed before me moments ago, i regained my senses, stood up and asked Mr J where is L, he told me L is under a doctor's scrutiny for any injuries.

"What the hell happened Jits, what happened to you ?"

"Later J, you paid for the auto ? ", J nodded an affirmitive.

"Ok i need to be with L, will explain everything to you later."

"You sure you don't need anything ? you just passed out you know"

"I am ok just couldnt stand too much of blood thats all."

"Alrite, follow me L is with a doc in there."

As i followed J i realized i am going to face one of my worst nightmares, A Hospital. Something about hospitals just freaked me out, was it the smell of antiseptic from the floors or nervous  patients waiting for a doctor or the unfriendly nurses who would scare the hell out of you with Big injections,  i didn't know the exact reason why i was uncomfortable with hospitals but whatever it was i had to put my fears to the back of my mind. L needed someone to be with him.As we reached the room in which L was being examined, i could hear L still moaning in pain.The Doctor came out and told that L is fine, no injuries whatsoever and the pain was temporary just muscle pain and it would pass in few hours or so with some rest.I felt a huge relief, as if someone had lifted a big stone from my chest.J settled the bills with the hospital and we decided to move to L's home as he was given advice to take rest , i was thinking how to tell his parents then i realized no on was at L's home they all had gone for some family event, well at least we have time till tomorrow to think how to tell them.

We reached L's home in an auto and i helped L to his room, J had left as he had some other engagements and promised to be back in the morning, after making L rest on his bed i head for the kitchen , i was starving it was almost 8 in the night and i was sure  L was also hungry, i bought some maggie from the nearby store with whatever i could find in L's drawer and cooked it up. Mr L was asleep obviously tired from the happenings of the day, I tried waking him up but he didn't wake up. I had some maggie to clam my stomach and decided to stay back with L, i called up Grandpa and told him i would be staying over at L's and would be back next morning.L was looking so cute sound asleep like a little baby. I grabbed a magazine and settled down on the floor beside L's bed. I must have been only up for 10 min and i fell asleep.

The events of the day were playing in my mind again and couldn't sleep, when my eyes opened again it was 12 clock in the night, L was not on the bed. Confused i looked around.I went to the balcony and checked , he was standing there looking out into the dark, i could here the waves hitting the shore a few meters away , the ambiance was so relaxing the sea breeze gently blowing and the silence of the night. "You hungry ?" i asked L "There's maggie still left i will make it in a jiffy"."I am sorry jits" whispered L, "Huh ? what sorry ? You feeling alright L", L is still in shock and speaking rubbish i thought."I am fine jits thanks to you, if it hadn't been for your quick thinking my condition would have been worse, i am sorry you had to loose your chain and ring"."Don't be stupid L those things don't matter to me as much as.. " i stopped mid sentence , what am i doing am i going to confess this right now ? "I know, me" L completed my sentence and continued  "that is why i am asking for your forgiveness for that night on the phone". I was surprised with L response he was still looking into the night and not facing me, i went closer to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "L i want to confess something " i decided this was the right time to let it all out.

I poured my heart out to him, i started my revelation by asking telling him that i have always been different from other boys of my age and have never had any good guy friends in my life. I asked him if he knew what homosexuality is about. He nodded in agreement and then i said those words . "L, i am gay"

To be Continued....

Blast From The Past - The Incident continued

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

**********************************************************************************


With all the mayhem happening around us in that dungeon sort of place a sudden thought crossed my mind. The goon behind me was pressing me against the rails and i felt the cold tip of the chain i was wearing against my chest. The gang of robbers had forgotten to  have a full body scan in the midst of all the commotion otherwise they would have found the gold chain and a gold ring i was wearing, both a present from my mom and dad for doing good in studies at college. But this was no time to get  emotional with pieces of jewelery. "Stop", i yelled at the guys still hammering down on Mr L."Please wait, i have a chain and ring take it and leave us alone please", i tried begging them so that they would stop hitting L. It worked, i felt the guy holding me letting his grip loose and he asked to me to remove the chain and ring."First stop hitting him", i pleaded pointing at Mr L, "You first remove the chain and ring otherwise your friend is not going to be able to walk you understand  ?" barked the goon holding me down.


I obliged with whatever he was saying, what other choice did i have. The guy holding me snatched the jewelry as soon as i had removed them from my neck and fingers and sprinted back to the way he had come, i heard him yell to his fellows to run back with him, i was relieved they were leaving although a bit confused why did they leave in such a hurry ? Thanking god with a silent prayer i went to Mr L after regaining my balance which i had lost when the goon had snatched the valuables from me. Mr L was wounded, although i didn't seen any wounds outside from the moans of Mr L i could make out he was in a lot of pain."L you listen to me ok, i am going to bring some help ok, i will be back in a second ok" i told L although i was not sure how much of it he did hear, as i was about to run to get some help "Don't go jits... it pains a lot", i heard Mr L's strained voice. "L i know you are in pain, but i need to go and get some help, you understand, i'll back in seconds ok". Then i suddenly felt a vibration in my pocket. It was my phone a forwarded message from someone, i had totally forgotten about the phone in all the chaos and apparently so had the muggers. I quickly dialed Mr J's number, his sister is a nurse i thought may be they can arrange for an ambulance  quickly. I told J that L had been hurt and he is in pain and asked him to get an ambulance as soon as he can to the theater, he told me to be with L and told me he will be with us in 5 minutes.


I went back to L who was still on the ground, i was not sure if i should move him because i didn't know the extent of his injuries.All i knew was, he was in pain and i just couldn't bear hearing him moan in pain. "L its gonna be all right the medics are on their way ok", L was holding his stomach with his hands, i figured since the goons were only kicking there could not have been any broken bones as they were just using their feet. "L i want you to try to get up alright ? i am going to try and pick you up understand ?" Mr L was just in pain and he wasn't listening to me. I felt so powerless not being able to help him.I tried to comfort L with my words but he soon passed out with the pain. Mr J arrived in 5 minutes, "Where are the medics" i asked Mr J."Where on earth do you think we are America ? no one sends an ambulance for a teenager passed out in a brawl ok jits" J said, "Whatever we need to get him to a doctor then", i replied to J , he agreed and we picked L up and got him out where J had an auto rickshaw waiting , L woke up when we got near the rickshaw and asked us to put him down. "Will you be able to walk L ? " i asked him. He nodded and with his arms around our shoulders he  made it to the auto . "My head is spinning " Mr L said climbing into the auto . "Here put your head on my shoulder ok", i told him as i climbed in behind him. I asked the driver to go the nearest hospital. Mr J was following us on his bike.We made it to a nearby hospital, i didn't know where to take him, i had never been to a hospital before. I asked the driver where should i take L, he guided me to the casualty section pointing to an entrance which had the sign ""CASUALTY" written in Big letters over it. I asked the driver to stop in front of that entrance helped Mr L onto a wheel chair which was present in front of the entrance but i had forgotten i didn't have any money with me, how to pay the auto driver  and whatever money L had the goons had taken with them. As i tried to think a way out , i heard an ambulance rush in stop in front of us and a body soaked in blood was taken out of the ambulance, the sight disturbed me and i felt the world spinning around me and then everything went black.




to be continued..... 

Blast From The Past - The Incident

*************************************************************************************
Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One
2. Chapter Two
3. Chapter Three

*************************************************************************************

The Incident

The next day in college was uneventful,Mr L was normal as usual as if nothing had happened the night before, i tried to play along but kept my distance from Mr L.I had decided not to come out to him in college, his reactions were unpredictable and a scene was something i wanted to avoid, so i marked the coming Saturday when we had a off from college as the D Day.

The weekend finally arrived. We had a tuition class together i thought i will talk with him after that. We didn't have any fixed time for the class, it was a lab session, so we were actually free to come and go at anytime only requirement was to complete the experiments at the end of month. Mr L and I usually used to sit together and share the apparatus, that day also we were on the same table doing an experiment. I was thinking telling him something like 'I am gay' out of the blue seemed very illogical so i was waiting for a way to ease it into a conversation, Mr L only gave me a break, "You wanna call it a day and end this i am not feeling like to continue anymore"."Sure why not, what do you wanna do then i have time till evening ?" i asked.

We decided for a movie. There was neither any good English nor Hindi movie on, so we settled for a regional Malayalam one.The movie was titled 'ChanduPottu', i had suggested the movie with an ulterior motive in mind.The title refers to a type of bindi worn by women in southern parts of india which basically is like a water colour which solidifies after putting on the forehead. But the movie was not centered around women it was actually about a guy who was more in touch with his feminine side. After watching the trailers i had thought it dealt with homosexuality and that was why i had insisted L to go for this movie, but later i found out the guy in the movie although had feminine gestures but was straight and the reason for his girlish nature was shown as lack of a father figure in his life.

As we were proceeding for the ticket counter, Mr L said, 'I am a bit short of money what you say we take the seats downstairs which are cheaper ?', I gave him an approving nod and we approached the separate counter for the cheaper tickets, it was located in the basement of the theater complex and to control the crowds the ticket lanes were fitted with Iron railing from roof to the floor, it almost felt like being in prison. The place was looking deserted today and kind of creepy , I asked L "You sure the counter has opened i can see no one around, looks empty." Mr L dismissed me with a waving hand and asked me to follow him. I was feeling as if something was not right and my fears were going to turn into nightmare.

Mr L was walking in front of me and then suddenly i heard noises from my back, it was as if 3-4 guys were coming our way i was relieved thinking that at least someone else was here. 4 guys came from the back and i felt someone grabbing hold of my shoulders in an attempt to stop me from moving further , at the same moment a guy rushed past me and pinned Mr L against the iron railings. It happened so fast i didn't know how to react and just a gasp escaped my mouth as i was also pinned to the railings. I just couldn't get my head around what was happening it was when Mr L said "What the f*** ? what do you guys want ?" i came back to my senses.The first thought that came to me was these must be Mr L's friends playing some joke on us, but when i saw a sharp looking knife in one of the hands i realized this is no joke.

I could feel the railing piercing my chest and tried to shake the Big guy who was holding me down but all effort in vain.I could see Mr L also trying to fight off his way to freedom with no success. "Check him" the thug who held me down ordered, hinting at me. I felt a pair of hands inspecting my back pocket and retrieving my wallet. It was basically empty apart from some Rs 10 notes for my ride home back in bus."This is freaking empty man" the guy announced after checking the contents.I was still telling myself this is all just a joke and somebody will put this cruel joke to an end soon, but the events had just begun to unfold.

I could notice the third guy checking Mr L's wallet only to find nothing again. The group of 4 was getting furious with no result of their hunt. Mr L was still trying to get loose, and he got a chance to shake the guy on him loose and give him blow in the guts with his elbow. Watching this the other two crashed hard on Mr L, Mr L felt to ground and they were kicking him mercilessly, i started screaming and yelling but no one was to around to hear them this was a closed basement and the only exit was around the ticket counter to other side of the railings. "You bloody guys don't have anything of use, you have wasted our time now your friend is going to pay for it." said the guy who was pinning me down. I was feeling helpless not able to help Mr L in any way suddenly i felt some thing cold against my chest.


To be continued...

Blast From The Past- Part Three

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

*************************************************************************************

As i walked back to the Bear Party which was being disguised as a House warming party, i was thinking may be it was not going to be that hard to spend time with the guys, may be i'll also try a drink. 'What ?' I could hear the the angel and demon in my mind having a fight.

'Did you forget your list of dos and donts' argued the angel.
'So what there's no harm in trying it once' responded the devil.
'No, its just a strict no no ...',
'What no no, live life to the fullest..'

I am going mad i thought, having conversations in my mind . As we reached back at the house a gang of about 12-15 guys were all ready present for the booze party. At first i was very uncomfortable. Mr. L wasn't drinking i could see he was just checking out some songs on PC. I thought not to bother him, i still was hurt from the conversation we had earlier. I decided to start a conversation with a someone else but i kept checking Mr L from time to time. I saw him going to the terrace of the house and having a conversation with a guy who was having a smoke. Oh god, please dont let Mr L have a smoke, i prayed. Few days back i had showed Mr L an article on ill-effects of smoking and almost had convinced him not to smoke again, but i knew he wasn't convinced enough. Mr L caught my eye looking at him and saw the message 'don't do it' in them. The guy with the pack of cigarettes said something to L and starting laughing, i didn't hear what that guy said but Mr L took a cigarette from the pack and lit up. I felt disappointed .'He doesn't care what you think' i heard someone say but soon realized it was coming from my mind again.I wasn't feeling like staying in the house anymore and left the house after saying my good byes to few guys and Mr L.

That night I was on the phone with Mr. L he was talking in his usual upbeat mood, and i was just making 'hmm..' sounds , after a while he asked 'Is everything alright ?'. 'Ya all is fine.' in a not so convincing tone. He queried again, 'you don't sound as if everything is fine.'

'No i was just thinking about the afternoon..'
'Don't tell me you are feeling guilty for not telling at home where you were today.'
'No silly, its just i thought i had convinced you of not smoking..'
'Don't start with the lecture again, please ' came back the reply from Mr L.

I was a bit taken aback by the tone Mr L. had chosen.'Sorry for caring for a friend's health.' i recoiled.'There you go again getting all so worried about me why can't you just chill jits? Whats the matter with you ? Why trying to run my life ? why cant you be just like other guys?'I didn't know what to reply him i couldn't say i was in love with him.I tried to defend myself citing 'Why the hell do i have to be like everyone else. I am proud of who i am.'

'Oh really ? you know what people at your back say ?'
'Please shed some light because you certainly know it all.' I was getting furious.

'Leave it.'Mr L said.
'No no please continue, let me know.'
'You might get hurt.'
'Don't you worry i'll handle it.'
'No never mind, lets talk about something else.'
'Why ? i thought you wanted me to be like others, let me know what others percieve of me. '
'Fine , you remember the day or rather night when you were trying to call and some other guys were here with me ?'
'Ya i do and i remember Mr J and Mr T were there with you being all the more annoying as always.'

'Right, you couldn't just sleep without talking to me ? huh ...' It was sounding more like a sarcastic statement coming from Mr L right now than a sweet thing.'You have any idea what those guys made me go through ? i was made a mockery, Mr J even drunk made a very good point, Dude whats wrong with jits ? Is he in love with you or something ? He is always at your side, and these calls are going long in the night , what is the meaning of this ? Are you gay L ?? Ha ha ha .... These were the words from J that night. You have no idea how embarrassed i was jits. Even Mr T started pointing out that how you are not like other guys, never appreciating a girl in college either. Is he gay ?' Mr L paused as if he was expecting an answer from me for that question.

'And what did you say ?' I asked trying to avoid giving any answer.
'I just said , no guys he is just a bit caring because we are good friends. But J came back with , the hell good friends , two guys talking on the phone till the early hours of morning is not just good friendship, if it was a girl then it would have been fine, we would think you are trying to woo her but with a guy L ? seriously you out of options ? ha ha ha.. '

I was feeling very guilty thinking what Mr L had to go through because of me.'I am sorry Mr L' i apologized. I could feel a tear sliding down my cheek.But Mr L was not done yet.'Wait, let me complete. It was not much of a deal for me what Mr J and T said, they were drunk , it did question me our relation but i know your intentions are not wrong .I decided that that i can try to make you a little bit more relaxed and chill so may be others could also be fine with your attitude so thats why i invited you to the party today.I could see you were making an effort but then that guy said something and ... anyways leave it.' Mr L was trying to avoid something.'Who said what L ?' I questioned.

'No leave it.'
'Mr L tell me i want to know.'
'Fine, a guy offered me smoke, and i remembered the article you had made me read.'
'But you still took the smoke anyway.'I said sarcastically.
'Ya, you know what that guy said jits ? When i said no and i was looking at you , that guy asked : You are not smoking because of him ? Come one L, jits is such a panzy almost like a fag and you are afraid of him ? ha ha ha... What ? he is ruling over your life ? Be a man L take decisions for yourself." He is right jits I don't want anyone running my life but me you understand ?'Mr L was furious.

I don't know what hurt me more Mr L, furious remark of me trying to control his life or being referred to as a fag.I just couldn't take all the things in, i felt like just going to sleep. 'I am sorry L if i have been trying to control you life.'I couldn't think of anything else to say to him.'I am not in a state of mind to speak much so i am hanging up now'.'Fine, came the reply from Mr L and he hung up first.'

I came back to my bed trying to fall asleep, but the conversation was going through my mind, playing again and again like a stuck record in a record player. I couldn't let my feelings for L make his life difficult. I need to do something about it.Should i stop my friendship with him ? Even the thought made something ache inside me. No i rejected the option. Should I tell him the truth. I will come out to him, confess my feelings and then let him decide what is to be done.But the consequences if he knows i am gay ? what will be the repercussions ? There's no use trying all the permutations of the outcome i said to myself, I will just tell him and be prepared for whatever comes. So deciding that i am going to come out to Mr L i tried to put my thoughts in a sack and catch a sleep.


To be continued..

Blast From the Past continued ...

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Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

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As the bell for period rang i rushed to Mr L with all the questions on my mind. As i was approaching him i felt a bit of fear within me. What if all that i was thinking is true ? will Mr L stop interacting with me ? How will i survive without talking to him. I got to the desk he was sitting and he looked up. I wished him the usual good morning, i figured to keep it normal and not attack him with all the things in my mind. May be nothing had happened, may be he just sat there because he was late and wanted just to sit and that seat was close to the door anyways. He responded back with just his eyes , it was his 'so whats new' look ,(ya i had named his looks , i was obsessed with him). I felt a relief, i thanked god, all was right, so i thought. A few days passed and our talks continued on the phone in night and we started hanging out with each other on weekends bunking our tuitions.

As i boarded my college bus one day i heard from a friend that a staff from our college had passed away in a bike accident , I didn't exactly know who he was but i had seen him around the college. I felt sorry for the guy, anyways when we reached the college the news was buzzing among all. Even before we could get to our classes we were asked to assemble in front of the chapel in our campus.Our manager who was also the pastor at the chapel made a small prayer for the soul of the deceased staff and declared the day to be a holiday for the mourning.I thought wow a day off, i mean i did feel sorry for the guy but heh it got me one boring day off from college.

I was on the bus back when i heard Mr L on bus, i was surprised because he usually traveled on another route i went to him greeted him and asked him where is he going ? He told me he was going to a college friend's new house and they were going to have a 'house warming' party, pointing to a guy from another branch. I was like why wasn't i invited but finding my ego in my way didn't say anything just smiled and was going back to my seat when Mr L. asked "You want to come along ?" I was so elated that My Mr L never forgot about me.No one was expecting me back home till evening so why not, plus i will get to spend more time with Mr L, I agreed and we got down and went to the new house. We were the first ones to arrive with the guy whose house it was.The house was locked and the guy with us opened the door. " You guys have not moved in yet ?" i asked. "No the pallu kachu has not been done yet " came the reply.

Pallu kachu is the hindu malayli version of house warming where all sort of prayers are done which is followed by the lady of the house carrying first vessel of milk to be put on the kitchen stove and let the milk skimmer. If the milk topples over the top of the vessel it is supposed to bring lots of good fortune to the house.The house was beautiful no doubt. As we entered i noticed some bottles of bear on the table right in front of us. Then it suddenly hit me its a booze party oh god how am i going to handle this i don't drink, boy it was going to be torture why didn't i think of it earlier i was cursing myself. Mr L knew that i don't drink why did he invite me to this then ?

Mr L might have seen my uneasiness he told the guy that Mr L and i are going for a walk till rest of the guys come. The vicinity of the house was very clam and peaceful , with all the tall coconut trees around swaying in the gentle breeze.The whole place felt so cool even in the middle of afternoon. Mr L and i walked for a while, i was silent thinking how will i handle things at the party. "You know you should have more trust in me" came a statement from Mr L. I got my senses back and gave Mr L a puzzled look. "I knew you wouldn't be much comfortable around drunk guys but still i wanted you to come here" replied Mr L to my questioning look. "why ... " i couldn't even complete my sentence when Mr L continued "I want you to fit in with the regular guys, you know people say that your behavior is different, i don't want to hear that from anyone. I want you to be more like normal guys, thats why i wanted you to be here so that you can understand how regular guys are. ".


I was taken aback by this sudden revelation.I knew i wasn't like other guys although i didn't flaunt my sexuality but neither did i act straight, i tried to keep it neutral always, i didn't know it had came into anyone's attention."I know i am different L but thats the way i am and i thought you liked who i am." i replied to L."I do respect your individuality jits but ....", "But i am not good enough right ? to fit in" i was furious , "i thought every person has the right to be what they are , i don't care what people think L, but your opinion it matters to me a lot L If you think i am not good enough then lets stop our friendship right here right now." I could feel tears filling up in my eyes so i broke the eye to eye conversation we were having and moved a few paces ahead of him just to get a grip on myself. There was a moment of silence and i could hear only the leaves around us swaying. Mr L came up to me and held my hand, a chill almost ran through me when i got to feel his palm in my palm . "You are such a drama u know that , you should try in daily soaps i am sure you would make a good earning" said Mr L with his electrifying smile.I was floored to the ground and started laughing.

"Come lets go back to the party we will talk later" said Mr L , he didn't let go of my hand and i was enjoying each step i took with him although the conversation we had was coming back to me again and again, i pushed it back so that i could manage the drunken goons i was going to meet back at the house.

To be continued ...

Blast From The Past

We all have memories in our lives some which we cherish some which make us shudder and then there are somethings or someone who just brings a mix bag of emotions, a martini of love & hatred. Something similar happened to me a few days back with me when some one (and by this time if you have been reading my posts you must know it is a guy only i am talking about :D ) came as a blast from the past.

Let me rewind the time (i wish i could go back in it but alas physics still hasn't cracked that code yet ! ) and take you four years back when i started my college life. It was the first day of my college , i was nervous that day, thinking about the new people i was going to meet, if i would be able to make some friends.So on my first day of college i met Mr. V, Mr. J and Mr. L .Mr V was an eye candy with his fair skin, perfect cheek bones and a cute puppy smile, thats why i had decided to walk up to him and introduce myself but alas he was in a different section ahhh my dream of watching him all the time shattered, Mr V introduced me to Mr J and Mr L who were in my section. J and L knew each other from school they were below average in looks but i loved Mr J's Height, he was tall. I hit it off with both of them very easily all thanks to Mr J who is one of the most easy going and kind hearted person i have met in my life. I will pen down about Mr J some time else, this post's protagonist is Mr L.

As time flew me and Mr L became close friends. Although to him it was friendship, i on the other hand had found new meanings for 'friendship'. We had long chats in night on the phone, he used to talk about his past and I used to blabber about mine , most of the times he slept bored of my sound and i used to enjoy his snores on the phones for a while. I was enjoying all the attention i was getting from him and things were going wonderful. I was falling for him knowing at the back of my mind that he will never fall for me because i knew he was straight , siting together in class, going together for lunch , I even joined a tuition class so that i could be with him on weekends.Oh i was obsessed with him no doubt in that. Our 'close' friendship was attracting some unwanted attention.

One night i called him up as usual for our night chat and Mr J and another friend Mr T was there too, they were getting drunk as i realized later.Not caring of whom is there on the other side i started talking to L but after a while J took the phone and was talking nonsense. I got irritated and disconnected. But i couldn't resist completing my chat with L, so i again called him up. L took the call but lost it to T this time, I again hung up. This went for couple of times and finally i gave up. Next day in college as usual i was waiting for L to show up so i held the seat next to me for him. He came late, already the class had started and sat on a desk on the other side of the room. I was puzzled , did i do something wrong ? why didn't he even wave me a good morning. Was it the lat night's episode. Did i cross a line ? With all these questions in my mind i waited for the class to get over and to confront him with some questions.

To Be Continued....

Why Can't i have a straight guy as a 'Good Friend' ?

Why is it that i cant have a straight guy with whom i can have a good friendship ? A question which i have pondered about a lot , at times i think its because i am not that outspoken, or because of my rigid list of dos and donts but  most of the times i end up blaming everything on my sexual orientation !

For most closeted gays who have mastered the art of acting straight it isnt that difficult to gel up with 'normal' guys and as beyonce says '.. drink bear with the guys and chase after girls..' but for me pretending never came easy. Hence i just didn't participate in the 'chick watchout' , 'drunk dumbos' ,'road rage' or 'sporty evenings' programs, all through my adolescent life, when most guys were busy drooling over some girl, watch porn, talk about bikes, play cricket or get drunk i  preferred to be left alone and surrounded by my studies, may be thats why i was good with studies since i didn't have any other distractions. Once in a while some hetro guy would get close to being a friend but then my heart would fall for him and totally ruin the friendship (happened at least 2- 3 times). All in all things never worked out for me i was sad at times , at times happy that at least i am doing what i am supposed to be doing in college studying but now looking back i think i did miss out on many things by not having a straight friend circle , by not getting drunk , by missing out on adrenalin bike rides ahh the decisions which one regrets!

This attitude still ripples though my life even now i cant mingle with the straight crowd and remain in my own zone. May be people perceive me as arrogant. Whatever it may be i might not have good straight friends and gay ones (who want friendship in its right sense) are hard to find. I am grateful that i do have some gay friends  but i hope they know how indebted i am to them for their love and support or else i would have been totally screwed ! (I know my life does sound pathetic but heh i'll survive :) )

Apple Of My Eye

This is a series of posts where i would like you to know about any particular hunk or some cute guy from the public domain who just make me, as britney puts it ' CRAZY ... ' :D . Also find what i rate him on my special meter called  the 'Apple Meter'.  






 













Well the guy who caught my attention from a film poster of a tamil movie is Shiv Pandit. As I found out he is a dilliwala (i.e. a delhi guy for those who are not famliar with that vernacular) who had many stints in the entertainment industry  starting from a radio jockey in radio mirchi to a policeman's character in the comedy series FIR on Sab Tv to hosting some IPL show , as i'm not into cricket i didn't have the opportunity to catch him there . He also did anchoring for the Indian version of 'Dancing with the stars' called Jhalak dikhlaja but he was later replaced by someone else it seems.


Then his break in movies came with a not very popular film titled ' Aage se right' , although i had seen the movie but he didn't catch my eye back then but some thing about him in the film poster of Leelai (the tamil movie i referred earlier) has made me all ga ga about him.




Now Rating shiv on apple meter, Shiv gets himself a delicious 3 on 5  

Is there More To Life than a relationship ?

Realizing i'm  gay and taking a decision of not getting married to a girl just to go with the social norms was something i had taken long way back when i was entering my high school life. I might have been naive at the time but i had made my mind to stick to the decision made. Since then my aim in life was to stand on my own feet and have a way of life which would empower me to have my way with life and not get burdened by family, relations, society may be thats why i don't have many close friends or good relations with my extended family. 

Later at some point in my life the need for a companion became so strong and it took over my life for better or for worse. My thought process turned to  'what is the use of having a life which might be successful when if you don't have someone to share it with' . So everything in my life took a back seat and finding the guy became my priority. In the pursuit i lost many things including my aim of having myself empowered so that i could do things as i please, i just wanted a companionship. Even with many futile attempts of having a relationship i kept my hopes up all during college life and when entering the professional life. The search had been in full gear for the past few months. 

Last week i had a chat with a friend and he made me realize that having a relationship is not whats life is all about specially in the gay world where commitment and fidelity are very hard to find, and i may be wasting my life not thinking about other things in my life. I should try to enjoy the finer things in life. At this point i am still not sure how will i be able to enjoy my life without having someone to share it with. I might need a whole  paradigm shift in my thinking. Hoping some guy someday will come into my life, i am now turning  my search down a notch . As of now i am trying to regain my habit of reading which i had lost in all the commotion of my 'search' , beginning  with Jeffrey Archer. Wish me luck.

Conversations

Why do some conversation just get awkward at times  ??? This guy i met online gave me his number i called him up for a chat and guess what we had only silence. I mean why sometimes there is nothing to talk about even its not some stranger but a friend you have known since long. May be its just me who isnt a very outspoken person , and find it difficult to keep a conversation going. Hope someday i'll be able to have some non-stop conversation with someone !!!