Happy Diwali

Its that time of year again for all the festivities, lights, sights, sweets, fireworks. Yes its diwali here in this part of the world and wishing you all out there a happy, joyous and prosperous diwali. Diwali is the festival of lights here in india where every  house is lit up and children burst crackers along with people creating rangoli (an folk art in india where intricate designs are made on the floor with colored powder or flowers)

Rangoli By yours truly (last year) 

This time around we are not celebrating diwali at our home in honor of a close relative who recently passed away. May the soul rest in peace. Still here's wishing everyone out there a beautiful Diwali !

Falling again

When does one realize that one has feelings for someone. Is it when the only person you can think about is that guy ?  Is it when all you want in a day is a smile from him ? Is it when you would cancel all your plans just so that you can spend time with him ? Well if these are the parameters then i sure have fallen for someone, big time. So whats the problem , well he's straight. This is not the first time i have fallen for a straight guy. There was L on whom i had written a whole series 'Blast From the Past'. However this new guy from  office whom i have these new found feelings for, reminds me more of another guy i had the hots for back in my college, Jewis.

Jewis was someone with whom i really got close on a personal level sharing all my fears and thoughts, even of being gay. He was very protective about me. Very helpful and someone with a very big heart. But maybe he was just being a good friend. This colleague of mine whom i have started feeling something reminds me of jewis again. I find myself drawing too many parallels between the two. This again started my train of thoughts, maybe he is also just being a good friend. I know this because both of them had/have girls in their life and have never shown any interest in me (well apart from a compliment here and there , that may be just a compliment). Come to think of it i never had any straight guy friend-friend sorts. Whichever straight guy got close to me i started falling for him. Maybe that's a fault line in my behavioral surface, i can't be just friends with a guy. May be i should think of a girl friend, that would be easier because at least i will not fall for them.


Although i do have gay friends but that's probably because of  i'm not interested in them in a dating sort of way. Oh boy that sounds so shallow :( I need to start working on myself to sort out things. Any advice people ?

Apple Of My Eye

Time to add another exquisite piece of nature to my list of AOME. This time around again its again from the entertainment industry. I got to watch his debut performance in an Indo-Canadian film venture titled Breakaway(aka Speedy Singhs). The lead role played by Vinay Virmani just made the film worth my money. I must say the motion picture in itself was not captivating but who cares when you have someone like vinay on screen.

Vinay an indian basically, who grew up in canada is son of a of business tycoon. Vinay who also penned down the script for the movie sports a stubble thorough most of the movie which all the more adds to his appeal along with those innocent eyes and a charming personality.

And as always how can i miss the aspect which appeals to me the most, now now hold on to your wild imagination, I mean his charming and captivating smile. Every time i saw him smile on screen i had a wide grin on my face as well, which my straight friends who were along side were quite curious about :P. Vinay's acting skills, well he need to brush them up more, if he wants to make it to mainstream Bollywood cinema which is his dream according to his interviews.

Vinay is supposed to be the protege of Indian superstar Akshay Kumar who also is one of the people pumping the mullah into the film and had a cameo in the film along with International artist Drake, Ludacris and the hilarious stand up comedy king Russel peters.

Although i had expected a shirtless scene in the locker room since it was a movie based on the game of ice-hockey there were none to my dismay :(

Now to rate vinay on my apple meter.
I give vinay from canada  mouth watering 4 apples.

    

Be a man !

"Oooo SHIT !!" ...
Boom..
Crash...
Screech...

The sounds are still buzzing in my ears. Had my first car accident yesterday last night. Thanks to someone up there who still loves me no one got hurt. Well except for my poor car ofcourse. Although i am a careful driver but i must confess i have been pushing the limits of speed on the road.Yesterday however was not all my fault or at least i believe so. It was late night, me and a friend of mine were returning from attending a wedding. We were cruising at the speed of 70 Km/hr, a truck was coming on our side in the wrong direction and the lights were blinding my sight. I avoided the truck and and saw a turn up ahead in the road. There were no street lights as well were on the out skirts of the city. As i was following the turn in the road i realized that the curve's radius is not as small as i expected and the left side rammed the footpath. The car for a second flew in the air and landed heavily on the left side although on four tyres (thank god it did not tip over).

As i stepped out and inspected the damage i realised that on of the tyre is bust. I thought well its alright we can change the tyre there is an extra in the trunk. But neither of us me or my friend had ever changed a tyre except probably watch someone do it. I know i am not a manly guy and although changing a tyre might not be a very masculine job but having never done it before i was very clumsy and could not even loose the bolts of tyre. My friend (a straight guy of course) stepped in and passed the comment "dude put some power in it". "Go ahead my gym freak" i retorted with a smirk on my face. Well thank god again he was there because i myself could not have done changing the Tyre, i mean lets be serious i can become a total female when it comes to cars (except for driving maybe) although we changed the Tyre but car was having trouble driving. The car steering had developed a slant to left and was going to left all the time and the shock absorbers had probaby broken because every bump on road was being very hard on the a** and not in a way i would prefer.

All the way i was tensed about how i would tell my dad and me and my friend were discussing that how i am gonna be grilled at home.In the midst of which i finally asked if anything had happened to him ? If he got hurt or anything.Thankfully the answer was no. I was lucky not to that much heat back at home. My dad was just happy that no one got hurt. I was not able to drop my friend till his home and he boarded a auto from half way. I messaged him to let me know whenever he reaches his place. He did message me and wished me good night. I replied him back that its gonna be a horror night for me :( , for which came the reply 'Already feeling sorry. You gotta take it like a man. At least nothing happened to us'. I don't know why but the statement 'take it like a man' just got stuck with me. Its been upsetting me the whole day probably because that is something i have been trying my whole life.

I have always been the more sentimental, feeling timid, not getting into fights kinda boy. I may never have the masculinity that world expects from me. And to get it from my friend (whom i had a crush on for a while now ) just triggered a memory of college when L used to say the same thing. 'Be a man' ! I had thought i had come to terms with who i am but surprise surprise I'm still not at that place. Boy when will i ??

Shallow Hal

I always thought that i am not shallow person. I try not to judge people and accept people the way they are. Recently an incident happened which bought out a shallow side of my personality for which i feel embarrassed , shamed and surprised. It reminded me of Jack Black in Shallow Hal before he was hypnotised that is.

I came across a profile on one of the gay dating sites and we started chatting. To be frank i was not much interested as the person was looking for hookups and myself being not that indulgent in acts of passion usually avoid mingling with such profiles but somehow the guy came across a decent person and he asked me to meet up. I was getting bored doing nothing at my room so i thought why not but just as a precautionary measure i asked to exchange pictures. He did show his pics and told me these are pictures from past and he is a bit different now. The pictures were of a below average looking guy but looks never mattered much to me so i was perfectly OK with meeting up. I asked him to meet at some coffee place but the guy was adamant that i come to his place. I told him outright that since we were not gonna be doing 'it' then why meet at his place ? His side of argument was as he does not have a vehicle to travel and it would be difficult for him to come out at this time as it was almost dark.

I offered him to pick him up and he agreed and gave direction to his place. I felt a bit awkward because i hardly meet anyone just hours after chatting for the first time. As i got to his place something was not feeling right. When i saw the sight before me i was a bit taken back. The guy looked nothing like his picture , he looked older, with almost no hair on his head and the shocker of shockers he was handicapped or being politically correct physically challenged. He was not on a wheel chair or anything but he has some problem with his legs and he limped. I suddenly felt so uncomfortable. I tend to become very inside my shell if i feel uncomfortable. The guy was trying to make conversation but i just could not get over the fact that he had missed to mention his condition while we were chatting.

I used to follow a series called 'Monk' where the protagonist had a number of phobias and manias and of which one was that he liked everything symmetrical. I remember in one episode where he comes across a man who just had one arm and Mr Monk just freaked out as the body was unsymmetrical. I was feeling the same, although the person before me had all his body parts intact but his physical inability just gave me a strange bubbling at the pit of my stomach. At first i felt that he should have told me about his condition before we met. Then i thought i actually never asked (because i had not imagined this can be a possibility). The guy was trying to keep the conversation going but i found myself lost in my own thoughts. Being gay itself is hard and that too with this inability might be even more difficult, while i was thinking this the guy asked me shall we go out ? I refused because i did not feel comfortable.

We chatted for some time he told me about his family and his work, he even told me about the guys he usually meets up for sex, his first sexual encounter with his brother - in - law, he even asked me about my body stats for which i just replied 'sorry i don't like to discuss such things'.

One question he put up really bugged me. "So when did you come into this line ?",
 confused by the question i responded with another question "You mean dating guys ? ",
"Sleeping with guys , turned gay, like after my encounter with my brother in law i started enjoying sleeping with men"
"I did not turn into a gay just one fine day or after any encounter, I was born gay, i knew from the very beginning that i like men although the term homosexuality and gay i came across in my teens." i tried to clarify his thoughts.

He never mentioned anything about his physical disability neither could i gather up the courage to ask him. Although the person was a jovial person but even after half an hour i was still feeling very much out of place and decided to say good bye to him.'When can we meet next ?' he asked ,'probably next weekend' i replied although not sure how much of that statement will hold true.



This incident made me realise that may be i am a shallow person at some level. There are somethings which i can get judgemental about.

Mourning period

What is an appropriate amount of time after a breakup that one can start meeting other people ?

"It depends, some people do it may be on the same night. Others might take months or years" was the response from a fellow gay soul. I agree to my friend that it does depend on person to person, there can be a number of other variables involved like the duration of the relationship, the intimacy of people involved etc. I myself believe that one should give oneself at least a month's time before stepping foot elsewhere. Although 1 month in normal world is 5 months in gay world so probably 1 week seems more appropriate to most people :P, i however stick to 1 month.

Things did not work out between the special someone i was interested in and it resulted in a breakup.I was the one who called it quits and i was still in my mourning period when i got to hear the other party has already starting doing the rounds on the date table. It did get me upset because attachments are attachments and its always hard to let go. I know i will move on eventually but still it forced me to think was i being too naive  in believing that i will find someone who will fit into the moulds i want my guy to be.

Compromises are always part of any growing relationship but where do you draw the line ? Having a relation with a married guy that's where i had to draw the line.No the special someone was not married yet but he would have eventually married a girl and settle for a straight life and i would have just became a secret in his life. That was a future which i was not ready to accept so i decided to end it before anyone became any more involved.

I must say initially i thought i would be the one who would come out of the morning period earlier because i was the one who ended the bond but as things turn out you can never say what the other person is feeling or going through. As i still wait for my mourning period to end , which i think is gonna last for more than a month now i am still hoping to find the one i seek, the one who is right for me. Oh where are thy my knight in shinning Armour ?

Please Don't stop the music !

Those are the very words i wanted to tell the DJ last nite. After wining about my life in my last post i decided it high time i crossed of something from my long list of dreams. So finally went to a gay party pub yesterday night and danced my behind off :). It was an amazing experience . Got to saw so many good looking guys, guys making out on the floor , everyone just shedding their inhibition and being themselves. I also let myself loose and for the first time i got to be myself as well where i didn't have to think of anything.I must admit i was very nervous and scared at first because i haven't been to any pubs and the first time is always scary. The excitement however was so overwhelming that i kinda forgot about my fears.

Although i had thought i might get approached by someone, its an another story that i would not have gone through with it because i already have someone in my life but anyways it would have been so exiting but i guess that was stretcthing my luck to far, so although no one hit on me i was so engrossed in dance i did not care. It was like being in Babylon from QAF although not as fabulous as it but this was closest i could get to to my dream.

Finally i can cross one thing from my list grooving to the 'thumpa-thumpa' :)

Dream and Fantasy

Its been some time since i added a post , you could say i had lost my mojo for it but them someone came along and became my inspiration again. This post is dedicated to that special someone who has revived my spirit.

I recently started watching the series Queer as folk, and boy have i hooked. The life the characters lead is something which i had always fantasized about, being out about your sexuality, having a close group of gay friends, going to gay parties, dacing your heart out to the 'thumpa - thumpa', doing something for the gay community, finding love, adopting kids, raise a family. All this was my dream of a life in my future. Although these seem very far fetched.

Coming out of the closet is still the greatest hurdle for me. I think the first and foremost thing for one to come out is to have a support system wether be it family or friends. Now since family is the one group i want to come out to it leaves the friend circle and to find genuine friends in this gay world seems like an unsurmountable task. Although i do have some friends in my life but most of them are far apart to actually give the support i look for and most plan on to live a straight life marrying a girl, so again a support from that end seems doubtful.

I am not much of a outgoing person, although i love to dance i dont drink so i avoid going to  pubs as well. Most of the gay parties arranged in the town are in pubs so grooving to a thumpa - thumpa seems another thing which i would be doing in my dream only.

Doing something for the community is something which i would love to get invloved in but my work does not give me anytime, i know it seems more like an excuse than a reason so i think i need to figure out a way to take time out and actually dip my feet in doing for the commnity.

Finding love , well as most know its another herculean task, i am currenlty involved with a guy and i sure hope and pray that it does work out so that atleast one of my fantasy comes true.

Althoug gay sex was read as not illeagal by a high court in india but gay alliances are still not legal in my country. So settling down with a guy, is not feasible for now though you never know what the future holds. Since the stigma and taboo status that being gay holds i think it would be a torture for a child who is brought up by gay parents. So another dream down the drain.

Sometimes i think a way out would be migrate to a place where being gay is more 'acceptable' but then there are some responsibilities which i have towards my family which i cannot look over and move to a foriegn land.I dont know what the future holds but as of now things seem very dusky.

Blast From Part - The message

**********************************************************************************

Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

5. Chapter Five

6. Chapter Six

7. Chapter Seven

8. Chapter Eight

9. Chapter Nine
10. Chapter Ten

**********************************************************************************

The Message

It was the peultimate day at college and there was a gettogether at a friend's place, sort of a farewell party with booze and smoke. Since i had always avoided going to such parties i was apprehensive to go to this celebration as well, but all my classmates convinced me into going to it. After college i was gonna leave the city and come stay with my parents before joining  the compnay which had offered me a job. I said to myself why not! I reached the party venue early and people has just started to trickle in. I started a conversation with a group of guys around and that is when i heard those words.

"I cant believe that guy L f**ked that girl. I mean that girl was after some guy and L was after some other gal , in what turn of events did this happen ? ". I was a bit jolted by this remark. I knew guys  boast among themselves about how many gals they have taken to sheets but i knew none of them actually did it.
"What rubish where the hell did you guys hear this from ?" i enquired.
"From the horse's mouth itself. L was quiet drunk the other night when we met him and he just splilled the beans." came the reply from one of the guys.
"And you think its true , may be was just boasting " said someone else in the group.
"I wont say that because he was carrying a packet of contraceptives when we met him that day." replied the person  who had begun this conversation.
"In what all positions did they do it in ? Did he dish out more details ?" started one of the guys and i didnt feel like listening to the conversation anymore and i moved away from that group.

I dont know what came over me after hearing the conversation. I started to somehow feel jealous of the girl. She got to know L in a way that i never had or will. For L i just felt , i dont know how to describe what i felt about L, i still had feelings for him, but i had not yet forgiven him for betraying my trust, and not this reminder that he is straight and i will never have him the way i wanted him. After this incident , just looking at L became sort of a reminder about the fact that i can never have him. I felt relieved i can now finally move on from L knowing that he will never want me as i want him. As college came to closing i came back to my parent's house and then joined my office. I never tried contacting L.

8 months later....

It was 2 am in the morning, i had just come back from cake cutting as it was my birthday. I was too tired and was about to doze off when my phone beeped and the message read. "Happy Birthday." i checked the number and it was not my contact list."Than ks,may i know is this ? " i texted  back. No reply came. I forgot about this incident in the morning and my life passed on as usual.

1 year later...

It was my birthday again and at arounf 1 am in the monring after recieveing all the birthday calls, a messaged beeped my mobile. "Happy birthday." , the message was from an unkown number, it was like deja-vu and i remebered that this happened last year as well. This time i wanted to know who this is. I called the number back, it ringed on the other end. Someone took the call and i knew the voice. "Happy birthday friend, i know you must have forgotten me, but i still remember." came the voice from the other end.

With tears in my eyes i replied "you always make me cry you know that L, thanks for remebering."

**********************************************************************************

Me and L are in touch nowadays on facebook only because we  live very far from each other now. I still at times remeber the time i spent with L and something just fills my heart, is it love or hate for him , i may never figure it out but he remains truly a 'Blast From The Past'

Blast From Past - All out

**********************************************************************************

Catch the previous chapters of the story here :

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

5. Chapter Five

6. Chapter Six

7. Chapter Seven

8. Chapter Eight

9. Chapter Nine

**********************************************************************************

All Out

As i came to terms with what had just gone over the phone with D last night, i was feeling betrayed that someone whom i had trusted over the last two year had just blabbered away my confessions to a third person so blankly. It was L, its true that i had done it with my cousin but i t was something that just happened and i was very guilty about it later. I had promisied myself i will not indulge with my cousin anymore because it just didnt feel ethically right. I had confessed all of this to L one day when i was feeling very guilty about the same and had made him promise that he wont share it with anyone else. But it was obvious that L couldnt keep it to himself, he must have blurted out these things to D, there was no other explanation to the lines what D said. I was just so furious with L, i just felt betrayed. The things i shared with him were supposed to be between us.

I just didnt feel like talking to L anymore, i thought of confronting him but then i thought what will be the use he might deny it or accept it , the bottom line is i could not trust him anymore. I was just very angry at him but i was never a person who would create a scene , there was no use of it i decided and just chose to remain silent. This incident disturbed me a lot although i had thought of ignoring L altogether but it was hard doing it when in the same class at college. I felt like talking to L atimes but then those lines spoken by D came to my mind and i just kept quiet. L did ask sometime if anything was bothering as i was avoiding him. I replied 'you wanted me out of your life right, i am just trying to do that' with hurt, anger and sorrow.He didnt reply and started keeping distance from me as well from that point on. Although those lines just came from me without any thought i just figured that may be that is the reason L told D about this so that i loose interest in L and move out of his life. Well if this is what he wanted, he has been sucessful in the same. The more i thought about it , the more hatred started to fill for L in me.

A year passed and me and L moved far apart. Many people noticed the distances between us and asked me if aything had gone between asked to which i just replied we have moved apart. The college was about to be over and i heard that L slept with someone.

Happy New Year

A very Big Happy New Year to all you people out there ...

Its been a very busy new year for me with all the work i have at my office. Had a hectic and busy first week of new year. I just hope this does not continue for the rest of the year. Hope evryone else had a better begining.

Hope this New Year brings all the joy in the world to you :)